Stephen Kuhn

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Transcript

Steve: Hey guys! Steve with Belt of Truth Ministries. I’ve got John Fort on the line. John is the former program coordinator for Pure Life Alliance and now he’s the director of Pure Community for B Broken Ministries. John what’s the one piece of advice that you would give to somebody struggling with porn addiction?

John: Well the things I’ve learn myself over the years is we all start off knowing pretty well what we’re trying to move away from. I mean, there’s discoveries and that new little things that we didn’t see were part of the picture. That’s pretty easy to identify. And most people also know that we need to move towards something. If all we do is focused on what we’re trying to stop but it didn’t get anywhere. But what I found in both myself and other men that I’ve worked with is sometimes we have a hard time understanding what things that we’re trying to move toward actually helped. And what helped me a lot is to understand that with the things I was doing before whether it was porn or whatever else it was. It was doing something for me.

I was trying to meet some kind of a need. It may not had much to do with the need. It could have been isolation or loneliness or feeling insecure or not good enough. And so if I can identify what that was doing for me, it makes it a lot easier to figure out what I can do that actually meets that need. For example, it’s really really common for men to feel like I need to be feel valuable, I need to feel wanted. And we sexualize that and so that turns into the porn thing but the funny thing about it is, is that a typical guy will be, I need to feel wanted so I want to find that validation from a woman and it just doesn’t work. Because usually who we feel least good enough around or other guys not and so the need is to feel wanted or valuable or good enough.

So what am I going to do to meet that need and the move toward thing that matches up with that is to spend more time with guys that I know and that I’m very open with it. I’m sure we may have a support group we go to and that kind of thing and it may or may not connect super well with those guys. That support group is setting valuable for a safe place to just let it all out, be talking about anything and I’m not going to judge. I know that because they’re all in the same boat. But I may or may not really have a deep connection with the guys in my particular group.

We’re all thrown together because we all have the same problem but we may not really…and it just adds a lot of value on learning to relate but we got to start taking that outside of our support group at some point in time into a larger group of friends and we may found out that some people who we thought our friends near does not really willing to go there and they kind of drift aside and we find guys that we do want to spend time within a regular basis. They may meet guys in the support group, they may not. Then I’m talking with once a week.

So for example for me, one of my goals is to at least one day a week get together with another guy and talk about life. So what are we talking about? We’re talking about I’m married so I’m talking about how is my relationship with my wife going. I have a teenage children, how is that going? Stuff you don’t necessarily have time in a group to do and we may talk for a long period of time about that and they’re going to share the same kinds of things. And so we’re talking about the kinds of feelings and failures that may have done in a relationships that then may have led down to wanting to act out with pornography or something because we just have to stop those negative feelings but I can talk that out with another guy before maybe even before temptation ever gets there, I’m dealing with that stuff. And that has made a really really big difference in my life the last several years as I’ve done that. And these people become like my brothers in a true sense. We say that about support groups a lot of times but people on support groups come and go, they move, their jobs changed, they have to go to a different group or something like that.

So this is a different kind of a connection and I have two guys right now that we meet every week. It’s not a support group, it’s not reading a book, we don’t have a homework, none of that kind of stuff. But we’re just talking the same amount of time but we’re just talking through our life what’s going on, the things that are stressing us out. In addition to that, if something stressful happens, we immediately call it each other no matter what it is. So I am once a week doing this kind of life debrief but also multiple times during the week texting or calling just to check and see how we’re feeling. Again this isn’t necessarily about temptation or anything. It’s processing these things that could turn into negative feelings before they ever get to be something that’s leading into way of temptation.

So I think for me that has been not granted for a brand new guy coming in…does scary enough to talk about in the support group. They don’t want to do this anywhere else so I don’t see this is a thing that necessarily a brand new guy getting in there is going to embrace very readily but down the road that’s where we have to get at some point in time otherwise it becomes something we deal with once a week and that’s not very successful. This has to become part of our lifestyle. The support group teaches us how our rest of our lifestyle has to be in more relationships than just those guys that we see. So that’s been kind of the transformational thing to me to where in my own recovery.

Steve: Great. Yeah I totally agree. I do the same thing. I’ve got a couple of guys that I stay in close contact to it and sometimes those meetings are just talking about life like nothing really, I mean, it’s just how are you doing, what’s going on, and sometimes we show up and we’ve got something that’s been bugging us that we really need to talk about and I found that those meetings are some of the…I mean, that’s the highlight in that week in a lot of ways because I know like as long as I keep meeting with those guys and keep stuff out in the open, I’m not going to start down that road to isolation and hidden this and lying and all the stuff.

It comes along with addiction and so it’s like, yeah I totally get where you’re coming from and I would agree that it’s incredibly helpful and yeah it had taken me years to get to that point where I actually look forward to that because at first it was like…like you said it’s a little overwhelming just to show up the group let alone, have guys that you’re talking with throughout the week but yeah I’d encourage everyone to take that advice and make sure you’ve got those guys you can enact with. So cool, thanks for sharing that John. Tell people where they can find out more about what you’re doing online.

John: Well I’m working on a new website this year called Pure Community and it’s purecommunity.org and that particular website is designed to help people find resources. So it doesn’t matter where you are in the country, it’s how to find intense which an intensive is a three-day boot camp you might say where you’re with councilors and experts and they’re leading you through in a very small group of guys recovery stuff and you kind of…I know this sounds tight until you’ve actually been there. You get a years with recovery in three days. Because the amount of hours you’re spending if you took a support group and spread it out over a year, that’s 52 hours. You’re spending that much time in one weekend.

So they’re very helpful, how to find the intensives, how to find the support groups all over the country, how to find qualified councilors because a lot of us do need counselling and the seminaries and workshops just kind of one day conference events…and so helping people find the community and then it also brings the community to us as a community voice section where people across the country who are working in this area can talk about different specific issues for men, for women, for spouses and for parents. And so this…and then there’s other books…the resources are too so it’s not…it is basically trying to connect to people who need help with the people who provide the help and getting the community together. So purecommunity.org is the website.

Steve: Sounds cool. We’ll be sure to put a link on the show notes. So thanks again for your time John. I appreciate everything that you’re doing and keep up the good work.

John: Thanks.

Steve: Okay. See you.

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Transcript

Steve: Hey guys! Steve here with Belt of Truth Ministries. I’ve got Jenny Miller of the line. Jenny is one of the directors for Dirty Girls Ministries. That’s a ministry that seeks to offer health, hope and healing for women who struggle with pornography and sexual addiction. Jenny thanks for joining us. What’s the one piece of advice that you would give to somebody struggling with pornography?

Jenny: Well there’s many things that people can do that are kind of struggling with this but it’s kind of a two-fold answer to that. I would say to any woman that’s struggling with pornography or sexual addiction that we hear off a lot that the very first thing is that they feel like they’re the only person that’s struggling with this and with the advent of the internet and everything you hear online dealing with pornography addiction, you would think other women would defy other women but that’s the number one thing that we hear in our ministry. Is that they feel like they’re the only one.

So I think realizing that is the first thing and then breaking that silence because that can keep us bound for so long and as for myself, 11 years I struggled with keeping that a secret. And so I think finding a community of people like yourself that can reach out and help you and just opening your mouth and breaking that silence and that stigma that you have to keep it silent would be the biggest piece of advice I can offer.

Steve: Great. I think that’s excellent advice. Thank you for sharing that with everybody. Tell people how they can find out more about you and you and your ministry and all that online.

Jenny: Well we have a website. It is www.dirtygilrsministries.com. There you can find resources and information and we have a community of over 2,000 women that are there. You can join and become a member. There’s all kinds of workshops and groups that we’re working. We have a conference coming in August so you can definitely check that out.

Steve: Great. Well thanks Jenny. I’ll be sure to put all that information in the show notes and viewers, just let you guys know whenever I get contacted by a woman asking for help. Obviously it’s not appropriate for me to work with them and I always point them towards Dirty Girls Ministries because I loved what you guys doing. Jenny I think you’re feeling a much-needed need and so yeah keep up the great work. Thanks again for your time and all that you guys are doing.

Jenny: Thank you.

Steve: Thank you.

Check out all the “One Thing” video interviews here.

Transcript

Steve: Hey guys! Steven here with Belt of Truth Ministries. I’m on the line with Traylor Lovvorn. His the Chief Rug and Muffin founder and CEO of Route 1520 and his the Executive Director of Undone Redone. So Traylor what’s the one piece of advice that you would give to somebody struggling with porn addiction?

Traylor: Well Steven the one thing that I would tell them things that I wish somebody told me when I was neck beat in my struggle was simply the truth that god was not angry with me and god wanted to join me in the struggle with pornography. Where I was and what kept me in prison for so long was this belief that your god has done his part of salvation and for me that happened when I was 11 years old and it was all about him wiping the slate clean but somewhere along the way I picked up this idea that I had to keep it clean and being exposed when I was 8 years old, this ongoing struggle and believing that to no better equal to do better. Well that wasn’t working for me.

So all that really added a lot of my shame, to a lot of my shame that I now realized was only fueling more of addiction instead of fixing it. So if had known and certainly want these guys who are listening here to know that they’re beloved son, if they’re in Christ, that he’s not angry, that he’s not pissed off in any way. They have the full acceptance and love of their father. And for me the transformation that was brought about was when I began to really allow that message to sync in the full gospel.

That’s when I began to experience true heart change and grace was something that I didn’t fully understand. I think for me the Christian life was you work as hard as you can to meet god’s standards which was perfection so you know you’re not going to quite get there and grace is that little bit of extra to get you over the top. And man, recovery has completely flipped to that paradigm for me. Because when I had that paradigm, passages that Paul would write about those thing in weakness, man that made no sense to me because when I thought it was about leading with strength and having this pristine asking place which I was very good at doing for 30 something years.

Those things in weakness probably talking about and later in the twilight of his ministry he talks about being the chief of center. That to me was not the positive PR campaign that we need to be the good witness for Jesus that we need to be. Why would he say that? Well it was recovery that helped me understand why Paul was saying that. Because he really understood grace and for most of my life I really didn’t. And being able…one of the…in our group we have recovery groups that we lead here in the Birmingham, Alabama area and one of the passages that are part of our readings at every group is a passage from Titus too.

He said with a grace of god has appeared bringing salvation for all people. That’s verse 11, I got that part. Grace means Salvation. But what I had missed was that grace was also a transforming power. And so it goes in verse 12 as I’m training that, to renounce and godliness and whirly passions and to live self-control upright and godly lives in the present age. I thought that grace had saved me and now if my sanctification came to sweat effort striving more discipline, more willpower, all of these things to show god how thankful I am for what he had done for me with the cross. But to finally understand that no grace but only saves, it’s the power that is actually transforming me, that was a complete game changer because now overcoming sexual sand and any sand in my life is now through surrender not through striving. And surrender for me most of my life it just felt like giving up and an easy out.

I was so afraid with that would just be a license to continue down this road of all these simple things but what it actually meant is I’ve discovered my want to’s. What I really now understand grace that god is smiling. My desires are changing because when I understand that the father is singing over me. And he’s allowed me to begin to hear that melody. Man that’s a game changer because now it’s not just about the outward behavior that I was about for so many years.

Now it’s about really just resting in my position as aside. That I’m no longer an orphan and for me my life in what I’ve I described here, I was a spiritual orphan trying to pull off and do the Christian life on my own. Just like an orphan lives on his own. There’s no power outside of he or she to act on their behalf. We do have that power.

So anyway that’s a long answer to a great question. I wish that I had known that god was not angry, not pissed, not frustrated, not sending over them to the corner with his arms crossed tapping his foot wondering when I was going to get my act together so he can get on with kingdom business. Because what that do is it just left me alone in my struggle. And so all I need to do with pain was to run them more pornography. And so bring your pain to the father, he wants to enter in to that place with you. He’s safe, he’s good. The backdraft of our ministry is Luke 15. And that story, the two sons illustrates everything that I’m talking about.

The prodigal expected…the best he was hoping for was be reinstated or be instated as a servant, as a hired hand for his dad. Sonship was completely off the table based on what he had done. So if you’re struggling, if you even last night, even five minutes ago, struggling your heat in the shame, remember if you’re in Christ he is running after you, he wants to join you in that struggle and the only way we can truly change is surrendering to the fact that we can’t change. And once we do that, it begins to open the door to the true power of the gospel and the spirit in our lives.

Steve: Great. I think that’s awesome advice. Yeah I mean I would agree if there’s this one thing, that’s where you start, that’s where you have to start. If you try and start anywhere else, suddenly inviting the odd in, everything is going to be just…it’s going to be off. So yeah I agree fully that that’s the…there’s one thing, that’s where you start. Just let inviting the father in. So thank you for sharing that Traylor. Tell people where can they find out more about your ministry.

Traylor: Yeah our ministry is at Route 1520, Route 1 5 2 0 and like I said, the backdrop is Luke 1520 when the prodigal decides to come home. And so that’s what we are about…at route1520.com is our website but we help prodigals and elder brothers find their way home to the true heart of the father understanding this message of grace that meeting ourselves up about that behavior doesn’t change the bad behavior. But actually accepting the scandalous nature of god’s grace in our lives is what really brings about change. Melanie, my wife and I, we also do a weekly podcast, it’s called Undone Redone. That website is undoneredone.com.

We have about almost 65 episodes up now and just talking about our story of brokenness. Hers from more of an elder brother, mine for more of a prodigal with a public elder brother, secret prodigal but our tagline is Life is Messy Bring your Bait and we just kind of flushed out more of these things. They’re on the podcast.

Steve: Thanks for your time. All those links…I know you sent me more for Facebook, Twitter, all that stuff, we’ll put that in the show notes so people can find you. I loved what you guys are doing, keep up the great work and yeah anybody watching this video, check out Route 1520, Undone Redone, it’s all great stuff. So thanks again Traylor.

Traylor: Stephen thank you. I look forward to what you’re doing with your ministry as well. I look forward to maybe working with you down the road.

Steve: Sounds good. See you.