Stephen Kuhn

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Transcript

Steve: Hey, guys! Steve here with Belt of Truth Ministries. I’m on the line with Darrell Brazell. Darrell is the pastor of New Hope Fellowship, Director of New Hope Recovery Ministries, and author of the New Hope for Sexual Integrity Recovery Manual for Men. Darrell thanks for joining us today. What’s the one piece of advice that you would give to somebody struggling with porn addiction?

Darrell: I think the one that’s often overlooked is really coming clean about everything. Many guys start their journey in recovery and they’re kind of dancing on the surface and they’re acknowledging the tip of the iceberg, maybe they’re starting with some brothers in recovery to get a little bit beneath the surface but there’s this giant mountain that’s still hidden. And I can’t tell you how many men I’ve had even several months into recovery say something like “I was not planning on ever telling anyone about this.” And once this comes to light, then we find recovery often can really begin to take root. And one of the real factors from that is what I call the zero factor. And the zero factor is an illustration my 9-year-old son gave me several years ago. And he’s kind of a math… math’s kind of his thing in school. So one day I was driving him around and just decided to mess with him a little bit so I threw out the deal, I said, “Hey Jonathan, I got a math problem for you.” He says, “Okay. What you got, Dad?” I said, “Okay, what’s 9 times 12 times 36 times 0 times 14?” And I saw him kind of roll his eyes in the backseat through the rearview mirror for a half a second. And he said, “Well, zero, of course!” And I said, “Well, how do you know that?” He said, “Well anytime there’s a zero in a multiplication problem, the answer’s always zero.” Well, it was on Tuesday and I lead men’s group on Tuesday night so I said, “Thanks, Jonathan, you just gave me a perfect illustration.” So I went and shared it that night in men’s group and I said, “Guys, whenever you have a secret that’s hiding, whenever you have acting out behaviors whenever you’ve had things that you’ve done or that have been done to you that you have put in that box that says “I’m never going to tell anyone this,” then what that does is that acts as a zero in your life. And so no amount of positive words, no amount of joy, nothing gets in because it’s an eliminating factor just like a zero in a multiplication problem. No matter how much good’s going on, there’s always that voice in the back of your head where the enemy is whispering or even shouting “Yeah, but they don’t know about your zero.” And where I find this especially true is men with their wives. Most men in early recovery, they don’t want to really come clean with their wives. And they’re always… Generally, they’re hiding behind the fact of “Well, I don’t want to hurt her anymore than she’s already hurt.” And the reality is, my wife put it very well many years ago, she said, “No, the man doesn’t hurt his wife when he tells her he hurt her when he did it.” Telling her creates the opportunity for the healing to start taking place. Yes, there’s a lot of pain at that stage, but men, we owe it to our wives to really come clean with them also because for one, they need to know what the real source of their pain is, and two, there’s no real healing, no intimacy that can take place when we know they don’t really know who we are. And whenever that zero factor is in the marriage relationship, then that relationship is going to stay torn up and difficult and always have that zero factor in it. So the one piece of advice outside of being connected with other men, and that’s always foremost, but is learning the discipline of really becoming truthful and honest, and putting all your cards on the table, and discovering God’s grace for you in the midst of brutal transparency.

Steven: Yeah, I think that’s great advice. The whole time you were talking, I just kept thinking like “Man, this guy’s telling me story” because that was totally my experience as well like I held stuff back from my wife for that reason, I was afraid of hurting her. But that moment when I finally told her everything, when nothing else was held back, that’s the moment that recovery really started happening for me. That’s the moment God became real to me. I mean that was simultaneously both the worst moment and the best moment of my life which is really crazy looking back on it so yeah, man, thanks for sharing that. I couldn’t agree with that more. I think that’s absolutely just top advice right there.

Darrell: Well, and just a side note on that, I do a lot of work with wives. And what I see over and over and over again with men is a process we call a death by a thousand cuts.

Steve: Yeah.

Darrell: Tells her 20% of the truth in January, she’s devastated, she starts to get her feet back under her by February, and then he tells her another 10%. And this process just continues to repeat over and over and over till he’s killed her heart much more than he would have if he would have told it all to her the first time he told her.

Steve: Yeah, and I’ve said repeatedly that’s one of the greatest regrets in my life that I did that step by step confession rather than just telling her everything at once. I really think if I told her everything at once when she first caught me, we probably still would be married. But because I did that step by step confession, by the time I told her everything…

Darrell: Yeah.

Steve: She didn’t know that was everything. I mean she’d just say, “Well how do I know there’s none more?

Darrell: Right.

Steve: You keep telling me you’ve told me everything and then you actually haven’t.

Darrell: Yeah.

Steve: So that’s, yeah, I think that’s great advice as well. It’s really scary to divulge everything. But if you don’t do it all at once, yeah, death by a thousand cuts. I mean that’s a great way to explain it because I’ve seen that not only in my life but with other guys as well.

Darrell: Yeah. And there’s no way to do it without pain but the analogy I use all the time, it’s like ripping a big Band-aid off of a hairy leg. It’s going to hurt but it’s going to hurt a lot less if do it in one swift motion.

Steve: Yeah. Well, Darrell thanks for sharing all that. Tell people where they can find out more about your ministry.

Darrell: Main place is our website, Newhope4si.com, that’s shorthand for New Hope for Sexual Integrity. And from there, there’s a number of different links and ton of free audio resources, etc.

Steve: Okay. Great! Well, thanks again, Darrell. I appreciate your time and your advice, and good luck with your ministry.

Darrell: Alright, thanks very much! I appreciate what you’re doing.

Steve: Okay, see you!

Darrell: See you.

Check out all the “One Thing” video interviews here.

Transcript

Steve: Hey guys! Steven Q in here with Belt of Truth Ministries. I’m on the line with Rick Kardos. Rick is the Executive Director and Co-Founder with his wife Vicky of the Nathan Project. It’s a ministry providing hope, leadership training, the place to recovery for men who struggle with compulsive use of pornography and sexual addiction. And before we begin Rick I’m just going to ask you what’s up with the name Nathan Project?

Rick: 5 years ago Steven, kind of the lord me gave me the idea or I just found it but in the bible, Nathan has an interaction with David three different times and in each case he not invited a party. He doesn’t get a phone call. He doesn’t get a invite from David and he needs your help particularly with bad [inaudible – 0:00:57.5] he walks up and at the end of the day he said, David bets you who taught this man that we talked about stole, that did this horrible thing that you and David response by recanting…the thing, the other two times when David and Nathan interact.

My belief kind of mass struggling what’s the use of pornography with sexual addiction. He needs Nathan like someone who steps in and somewhat calls him out. It’s rare that a man who just, oh I have a problem, I need help. Usually he’s been called out and caught. This closure happens in a manner that not up his choosing and that’s when Nathan comes into your life plus a really good news why we called it the Nathan Project has been the man gets healed, you know, he first describe, he could heal and he can become a Nathan and someone else is like a ripple effect of the project.

Steve: Yeah very cool. I figured you had a good reason for picking that name and I think that’s a great reason. So that begins me to the question that I’ve been asking everyone if…what’s the one piece of advice that you would give to somebody struggling with pornography addiction?

Rick: The secrecy, you know, keel on both people, marriage, families when it comes to the use of pornography for example and sexual addiction. It’s in the beginning of the dialogue whether it’s your brother in Christ, whether it’s what have to or whether it’s a counsellor, whether it’s just with friends, whether he’s a believer or not. But open the door for dialogue. Talk conversation and then look for the wise counsel that have move you towards…in our case for example, a for men only group, for men gather, they use a curriculum maybe for two hours but have strict accountability, not a just of faith if they [inaudible – 0:03:01.9] but it’s close, it’s confidentially meet every week but that all begins with dialogue somewhere. We wired for relationships, that’s a little [inaudible – 0:03:13.8]. Most relationships begin with dialogue with one person and the other.

Steve: That’s great. I think that’s wonderful advice. Thank you for sharing that with us Rick. Tell people where they can find more about your ministry.

Rick: The easiest and the obvious way these days is nathanproject.net. You can find us on the internet to talk about it. Because I’ve worked with men in a confidential setting. I also share the office down here which is here in New Hampshire which is 603-232-8236. You’re more than welcome to call here to talk to me to get some live counsel. Then there’s on the internet, they’re about for men only groups dealing with this particular issues and with each one there is a contact. A man who leads the group and there are peer lives of [inaudible – 0:04:15.3] understand what you’re talking about and the phone number and an internet address. You can talk to them as well.

Steve: Great. Well thanks again, I appreciate your time and enjoy all the snow you guys have there in New Hampshire.