This post has been adapted from the chapter, “Lie #7: God Can Set Others Free from Pornography Addiction, but Not Me,” in my new book, 10 Lies Men Believe about Porn. This post is part 7 in an 8-week series on life-changing faith. If you would like to begin at part 1, you can do that here.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the saying “It’s not about religion, it’s about relationship.” I’ve even used it myself at times. In a lot of ways, it’s the foundational truth that this entire book is based on. But have you actually stopped to consider what that saying is trying to communicate? It’s the idea that following Jesus is not about living up to some moral standard or performing certain rituals—it’s about actually getting to know Him and about spending time with Him. It’s about having a relationship with Him.

But what does a personal relationship with Jesus actually look like? For that matter, what does a relationship with anyone look like?

In order for any relationship to develop, you must spend time with each other. You must seek to know each other on a personal level. Most importantly, you must trust one another. If you remove any one of these elements from the relationship, it will never grow into a meaningful friendship.

It’s the same with a relationship with Jesus. You can spend time with Him in prayer. You can seek to know all about Him by reading the Bible. But if you don’t trust Him, you will never experience a true relationship with Him.

The moment I came clean about the full depth of my sin was the moment Jesus became real to me. Before that moment, if I was being honest, I called myself a follower of Jesus. But I didn’t know Him personally. I didn’t have a relationship with Him.

Sure, I knew all about Jesus. I had grown up in church and had even gone to seminary, so I knew all the answers to the Bible trivia questions. I even spent time with Him—sort of. I prayed to Him on a regular basis, but it was only when I needed something, never because I just wanted to hang out with Him. As soon as He asked me to do anything that pushed me or required me to trust Him, I would find an excuse to ignore Him. I was fine trusting Him with most things, but I didn’t want to trust Him with everything. I still wouldn’t trust Him when He asked me to bring my sin into the light. I was only holding back a small percentage, but it made all the difference.

I was fine trusting Him with most things,
but I didn’t want to trust Him with everything.

Unless you trust Jesus with everything—100 percent—it shows that you don’t really trust Him at all. I may have been calling Him the Lord of my life, but by picking and choosing in what areas I wanted to trust Him based on my own feelings, I was still controlling the relationship. I was functioning as my own lord.

The more I look at the Scriptures, the more I wonder if I was even saved before that moment when I put my full trust in Jesus. I acknowledge that this is an extreme view, but look at it this way: if we are saved by grace through faith, and I wasn’t trusting Jesus (my faith wasn’t in Him), how could I have been saved?

I recognize now that my faith was still in my own ability to make the best decisions for my life. By choosing not to trust every word Jesus said, I was trying to pick my own path to salvation and refusing to trust Him about the path He had clearly lined out for me. I was more interested in maintaining my temporary happiness in this world than trusting what Jesus promised would lead to eternal happiness and life. I wanted to receive all the blessings of faith without changing my life or acting in a way that would cause others to label me as odd or extreme. I wanted a relationship with Jesus, but only if I didn’t have to risk anything to receive it.

But that’s not the life of faith Jesus calls us to. He makes it clear that true faith will change your life in a way that no one can deny. For example, look at a few of the verses that tell us what the everyday life of a Jesus follower will look like:

Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples (John 13:35).

The Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22–23).

If my faith had been in Christ, then love, kindness, and all the other fruits of the Spirit would have been flowing out of me. Instead, my life was marked by selfishness, apathy, and manipulation. These were not fruits of a Spirit-filled life; they were fruits of a Steve-focused life.

The verse I think concerns me most—because of the possible implications for so many others who are claiming to be followers of Christ but are still functioning as their own lord—is Matthew 7:22–23:

Many will say to me on that day, “Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?” Then I will tell them plainly, “I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!” (Matthew 7:22–23).

Eternal life in heaven is about Who you know, not what you do. I’m sure I would have been one of the guys standing at the gates of heaven with my résumé of all the great things I had done for Jesus. In reality, because I had never trusted Him, I didn’t even know Him. I was in church, but I wasn’t in Christ. Because I still believed it was my résumé that saved me—all the stuff I supposedly did for Jesus—and I never put my faith in Him, it makes me wonder if I would have been turned away.

I was in church, but I wasn’t in Christ.

Compare all of that to what happened immediately after I chose to trust Jesus fully. Instead of being worried that others would find out about the depth of my addiction, I found myself looking for opportunities to share the story of how Jesus had changed my life. I felt like Peter when the Holy Spirit came upon him and he instantly went from denying his faith to a servant girl to boldly proclaiming Jesus to anyone who would listen.

I felt as if I had a direct line of communication with Jesus and couldn’t stop talking to Him. For the first time ever I felt like I had an actual relationship with Him. He wasn’t just some imaginary being in my mind; He was the most real and intimate friend I’ve ever had.

Honestly, I became the crazy Jesus guy, and I wasn’t ashamed about it. The change in my life was undeniable and shocking.

And best of all, because of the relationship I’ve experienced with Christ, I’ve had no doubt whatsoever since that moment that I’m saved.

Continue to Part 8: How Does Trusting Jesus Help Me with Porn?

This post has been adapted from the chapter, “Lie #7: God Can Set Others Free from Pornography Addiction, but Not Me,” in my new book, 10 Lies Men Believe about Porn. This post is part 6 in an 8-week series on life-changing faith. If you would like to begin at part 1, you can do that here.

Doesn’t it sound strange to say that it’s a good thing to be dependent? Obviously, that assertion depends on the object of your dependence. Being dependent on alcohol is a big problem, but being dependent on Christ frees you from trying to maintain control, which will keep you from experiencing God’s rest and peace.

In order to fully trust God, though, you need to trust that He knows how to run your life better than you do. But more than that, you must submit to His leading and depend on Him for guidance. If you’re still trying to be the one in the driver’s seat, only seeing God as your co-pilot, it shows you don’t really believe He can lead you. You are still trusting in your own ability to drive.

Bob George has the perfect illustration to help us understand this concept:

Picture yourself in one of those old drivers-education cars. If you remember, these cars had two steering wheels, two gas pedals, two brakes, and so forth. Pretend you’re in one seat, and the Lord is in the other. He says to you, “My child, I have great plans for you. I will reveal Myself to you, shower you with My love and acceptance, set you free by renewing your mind with My truth, and conform you to My image as we go through life together. All you have to do is enjoy the ride and let Me drive. But notice that in front of you is your own set of driving controls. You have the capability and freedom of grabbing the steering wheel and taking things into your own hands. Only one of us can drive at a time, and the choice is yours. If you take control, I will take My hands off. I promise that, whatever you choose, I will never leave you or forsake you. But isn’t it far better to allow Me to drive? I love you. I have all wisdom, all power, and I am committed to your ultimate good. I ask you to trust Me, but you are always free to choose.”

You will always have the ability to seize control and call the shots in your own life. But if you trust that God knows everything—including the future—and is guiding you in a way that will lead you to what is best for you, why would you ever want to take over? If you knew everything He knew, wouldn’t you choose to do the exact same things He is asking you to do?

This can be really hard to wrap your brain around, especially when it comes to our sin. Because sometimes, even if you are trusting in Christ alone to set you free from your sin, you still sin. Why would God, who has all the power to make it so you never sin again, allow you the freedom to still sin on occasion? How can that be what’s best for you?

Look at what Paul had to say about a similar struggle in his life:

I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong (2 Corinthians 12:7–10).

We don’t know for sure what the thorn in Paul’s flesh really was. Some people think it was a painful physical illness. Some say it was his continual struggle with a particular sin, like what we see him talking about at the end of Romans 8. What we do know for sure is that its source was demonic, yet God still used it for Paul’s good.

Paul pleaded multiple times for God to take this thorn away. But for some reason, God kept saying no. God knew that if He healed His servant from this particular struggle, he would become proud. With the thorn remaining, Paul had a constant reminder of his need for God’s power to overcome his weaknesses. It kept him from ever thinking he had “arrived” or becoming self-sufficient. By trusting that God was working for His good even if He didn’t answer his prayer in the way he was hoping for, Paul was able to recognize God’s grace and power at work in his life and respond with thankfulness.

•••

I’m going to tell you something that may surprise you, being that I’m writing a book on overcoming pornography addiction. About once or twice a year, I still lose the battle. It’s my thorn in the flesh. I’ve asked God to free me from this completely, and His answer is still “Not yet.”

And I’m okay with that.

I know myself well enough to know that if I never sinned again, I would quickly forget what the struggle was like. I would become boastful and full of pride. I would lose any compassion or understanding for the men I’m trying to help and would dish out arrogant lectures about how they just need to try harder to be perfect like me.

That guy scares me.

Now, I’m not saying it’s okay to sin. I hate the fact that I don’t have this 100 percent nailed yet. I know God has promised to complete His work in me, but I also understand it won’t be finished until the day that Christ returns. Which means even though I’m getting better, I will never be perfect. At least not until I get to heaven. Even if God does bring me to a point where I never lose another battle with porn again, I’ll just struggle with something else.

So for now, I’ll trust that God has me on His schedule for sanctification, not mine. Maybe next time I’ll go a full year, and then two, and then five…But for reasons only He fully knows, He thinks once or twice a year is the best spot for me at this point.

A Little Clarification…

Some of you are completely freaking out right now about what you just read. I get that. I was in the same camp for many years. But understand me here. I’m not justifying my sin. There is nothing I would like more than to be rid of this completely. But if the apostle Paul, who is undoubtedly near the top of the Bible Hall of Fame, couldn’t reach a point of sinless perfection in this life, how can we ever expect to? Paul trusted God’s grace to cover his lack of perfection, so we can as well.

If perfection isn’t a possibility for you (and if you’re being honest with yourself, you know it’s the truth), then what do you do with your inevitable slipups? You can hide them, but that will lead to isolation. You can justify them, but that will harden your heart. You can try harder to overcome them, but that will keep you focused on the fulfilling the law rather than trusting grace. Any of those roads will cause you to miss Jesus.

Think it over. Does God’s grace really cover the sin that still surfaces in your life? And there is nothing wrong with asking Him to show you why He is allowing your thorn to remain. I trust that He will give you an answer, but it’s up to you whether you trust it or not.

Continue to Part 7: If Following Jesus is about Relationship, Why does He Seem so Distant?

This post has been adapted from the chapter, “Lie #7: God Can Set Others Free from Pornography Addiction, but Not Me,” in my new book, 10 Lies Men Believe about Porn. This post is part 5 in an 8-week series on life-changing faith. If you would like to begin at part 1, you can do that here.

The harder things get in life, the more we need to trust in the faithfulness of Jesus. If you choose to trust Him—even in the midst of trials—you will see Him come through every time. This is how trials can actually breed trust. They give you an opportunity to experience God’s rescuing you.

Trials give you an opportunity
to experience God’s rescuing you. 

The verse I have had to remind myself to trust time and time again when life gets hard is Romans 8:28:

We know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them (Romans 8:28).

This verse doesn’t say that all things are good, or that God will make all things good. It also doesn’t say He will never allow anything bad to happen. What it does say is that He will cause all things—even the bad things—to produce good results in the lives of those who have trusted in Him.

But do you honestly believe that? When something blows up in your life, do you trust that He is using it for your ultimate good? Again, what does your behavior expose about your true belief?

Imagine you just got caught looking at porn on your computer at work and got fired. What is your response? Chances are, your first response will be fear and worry. What will you tell your wife? What if everybody finds out why you were fired? How will you pay the bills? Will you ever find another job?

It may feel natural to respond this way, but it will not lead you to peace.

But what if you choose to believe that God is able to use all things for your good, even a terrible situation such as this? By looking for ways He is using the situation for your good, you might see it as Him deciding it’s time for your sin to come into the light where it can be dealt with. That would actually be a good thing—I personally know of half a dozen men who got caught looking at porn at work, and this became the first step on their journey to freedom. Maybe God knew you needed to find a new job because He had something better for you and knew you would never leave on your own. Perhaps He knew your flirtations with the secretary were likely to grow into something more sinister and chose to remove you from the temptation. It could be many different things.

The truth is, even if you don’t trust this verse, God would still be working behind the scenes in this difficult situation to use it for your good. Not trusting Him and choosing to worry—or worse yet, struggling to control the situation—wouldn’t necessarily change the outcome, but it would rob you of His peace. Which is why trusting that He really is working in your best interest is key to experiencing His peace in your life.

 •••

In my own journey, there are many areas in my life where I need to trust God’s leading instead of following whatever feels right to me at that moment. The biggest example is probably the decision to remain committed to my former wife.

God has made it clear to me through a variety of ways that He wants me to leave the door open for the possibility of reconciliation. All throughout Scripture I see Him restoring and re-creating what is broken rather than creating something altogether new. I hear the command to love my wife as Christ loved the church, and He has continued to love the church even as they have rejected Him over and over. Ultimately, God has put His unconditional love in my heart for her—which means my love for her is not conditional on her returning any love to me.

If I am being honest, though, there are many days I am tempted to listen to my friends when they tell me it’s time to move on. Sometimes, when I find myself becoming interested in a girl, my mind starts to wander into what-if situations. I begin to justify in my mind reasons why it would make more sense for me to start dating again. After all, what happens if my wife remains single for ten years and then marries someone else? At that point, I’ll be old(er) and bald(er) and won’t be able to find a spouse even if I wanted to.

But God never promised that my wife and I would get back together—He only asked me to wait for her. For all I know, the good in my life He is orchestrating through this time of waiting may be something completely different than the restoration of our marriage.

Perhaps He knew I would not have had the time to write this book if I had been dating. Maybe His purpose is for my singleness to be an example to other men of how much pornography can cost them. Maybe He knows I wouldn’t have been able to serve Him as well if I’d been in a relationship right now. I just don’t know.

What I do know is, even if He doesn’t bring us back together, He’s doing something good through my waiting. So I’ll keep pursuing my former wife until Jesus stops pursuing me (which is always). And trusting Him in this area allows me to respond with thankfulness rather than worrying about my life.

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand (Philippians 4:6–7).

Instead of worrying about whether or not I’ll to be single for the rest of my life, I can leave it all in God’s hands, remember the ways He has taken care of me, and trust He will continue to lead me down the best path for my life.

And trusting Him for that gives me peace.

Continue to Part 6: If Jesus Promises Me Freedom, Why Does My Life Feel Out-of-Control?