The following story is the first chapter from my book, 10 Lies Men Believe About Porn, available now wherever books are sold. It is presented here in eight parts and should take you no more than ten minutes to read (You can find Part 1 here). If you would rather read it off-line, you can sign up for our monthly newsletter to receive a free PDF download of the first three chapters of the book as my thank-you gift for signing up.
Breaking Point
By this time, I had been wrestling with God for months about a full confession to my wife. I continued to lie even though I knew I needed to tell her everything. I frequently tried to pray about the situation, hoping for a different answer, but every time I closed my eyes to pray I only heard, Tell her. Tell her. Tell her. The still, small voice of God had become a shout—a ringing in my ear that wouldn’t go away. I argued with Him—If I tell her everything, she will leave me. I would never have said it out loud, but I felt I knew how to manage this situation better than He did.
The breaking point for me was when God showed me how my wife would never be free from the spiritual bondage in her life unless I confessed my adultery to her. Because we were “one flesh,” the sins I had committed with my body had also created bondage in her as well. She needed to be made aware of the full truth behind the pain I had caused her so she could know what she needed to be healed from. Something was robbing her of her joy. She needed to know what it was. Even if it meant she would leave me, I knew I had to confess everything to her for her own good. For the first time in our marriage, I was starting to consider putting her well-being above my own desires.
The next morning, my pastor preached on how God is often calling us to do one specific thing at any moment, and walking in holiness is choosing to respond to His call in that moment. I began weeping in church that morning because I knew exactly what I needed to do. God had orchestrated this moment. It was a kick in the pants to get me to stop delaying and to do what I knew He was calling me to do. As I walked out of the sanctuary, I told my pastor I needed to confess some things to my wife, and I made an appointment to meet with him that afternoon so he could make sure I went through with it. I went home and wrote a letter outlining everything I had held back and delivered it to her that morning. I told her how much I loved her, how sorry I was for all the pain I had caused her, and how I knew this would most likely be the end of our marriage. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.
I was convinced that handing that letter to my wife would be the end of all happiness for me. Instead, it became the act of submission that opened the floodgates of God’s freedom and mercy in my life. As hard as it was to finally face the full extent of the pain I had caused my wife, it was that moment when I laid my entire life upon the altar and told God, “Whatever you ask of me, whatever you want from me, it’s yours. I cannot control things in my life. I am incapable of doing anything good on my own. Even if it costs me everything…I’m all in.” I had reached the end of my rope, and God was there to catch me. In that moment, God became real to me for the first time in my life.
Continue reading: My Story—Part VII
