Biblical help and resources for men who struggle with porn addiction. The official website of Stephen Kuhn, author of 10 Lies Men Believe about Porn.
Each week, we roundup the best links, articles, and videos we find that are relevant to overcoming pornography addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it doesn’t necessarily mean we agree with everything in the linked article. It just means we found it interesting enough to share.
Max Lucado: Only Believe
Ron Edmondson: 7 Ways a Husband Injures a Wife…Without Even Knowing It
As a single-parent, my time with my daughter is limited, so any chance I get to squeeze in additional time with her is a huge blessing. One of my favorite ways to get some of this “bonus time,” is by helping out in her kindergarten class.
Every Monday, I go in and help the kids come up with words that begin with “H” or words that rhyme with mouse. If it gets any deeper than that I punt back to the teacher.
As much as I love working with these kids, though, I often leave with a heavy heart. Why? Because a sweet little five-year-old girl, who is not my daughter, keeps telling me that she loves me.
Photo by Jason L. Parks
I noticed something was different about Susan (not her real name) from the first day. As soon as I was introduced to the class, she came up to me and said:
“Hi Steve! I’m Susan. Do you like my dress.”
No more than ten minutes later, she came back up to me and hugged my arm:
“I like when you come and see us, Steve.”
I had said maybe ten words to this girl all morning, yet for some reason she had latched onto me. At one point, I went to give her a high-five and she tried to hold my hand instead. As I left that morning, she told me the same thing she continues to tell me every time I’m there:
“I love you Steve.”
Why would this five-year-old-girl, who doesn’t even know me, tell me over-and-over that she loves me? Because she desperately wants me (or any father-figure for that matter) to love her back.
I happen to know Susan doesn’t have a dad at home. I don’t know the circumstances that have led to this situation, nor do I presume to pass judgement on anyone involved. What I do know though, is there is a void in Susan’s heart because of this absence. A void she is attempting to fill by reaching out to me.
In his book, What a Difference a Daddy Makes, Dr. Kevin Leman explains what he calls “Daddy Attention Deficit Disorder (D.A.D.D.).” He mentions that many dads are simply not there for their daughters. Some are emotionally absent, refusing to engage their daughter’s heart out of fear or confusion. Some are physically distant, working long hours or spending their weekends focused on hobbies that keep them out of the home. Sadly, many are not present in their daughter’s life at all.
This absence of a father’s love is often interpreted by a little girl as a sign that she is not worthy of love. Her heart is aching to be loved by her dad, but no love is offered to her.
Unfortunately, many girls will eventually seek to find this masculine love elsewhere, just like Susan.
Dads, your daughters need you to love them. Hug them. Hold them. Snuggle with them. Wrestle with them. Tickle them. Whether they recognize it or not, they crave your healthy touch.
Tell your girl that she’s beautiful. Let her know that you notice her. Remind her how much you delight in her.
Above all else, remind her daily that you will always love her…no matter what. Remind her that there is nothing she could ever do to make you love her any more or any less, because you already love her with all of your love.
Pick up the phone, or better yet, pick up your little girl, and let her know how much you love her. Whether your daughter is five or fifty-five, it’s never too late to begin showering her with your fatherly love.
When she starts rolling her eyes and saying “Yeah, yeah. I know Dad. You tell me that every day,” then you know you’re doing it right.
You can do this, dads. Your daughter’s need you to.
Each week, we roundup the best links, articles, and videos we find that are relevant to overcoming pornography addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it doesn’t necessarily mean we agree with everything in the linked article. It just means we found it interesting enough to share.
Desiring God: I Hate Porn
If you ask any man what his favorite movies are, you will more than likely get a list of classics such as Lord of the Rings, Indiana Jones, Iron Man, and other movies involving swords and explosions. Few men will add Sleepless in Seattle or The Notebook to their Netflix queue unless an attractive female wants to watch it with them. When was the last time you heard a guy say, “Hey bro, wanna grab a pizza and watch Notting Hill?” Probably never. So why is it the majority of men all seem to like the same types of movies?
Perhaps it’s because these movies awaken the deep sense of adventure that God has placed in your masculine soul.
Adventures are exciting because you are forced to figure out the answers as you go along. The outcome—and often the path—is unknown. You don’t know how it’s going to end. There may be danger involved. Failure is a possibility. Driving to the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk is not an adventure. Finding the grocery store on fire and running in to rescue people is. Which scenario gets you more excited as a man? I can’t be the only one who fantasizes about things such as rescuing people from burning buildings or fighting off mountain lions on the trail. It’s written in our hearts as men.
I have long been aware of this desire for adventure inside me, but I misunderstood the root of it for many years. You see, adventure isn’t just about getting an adrenaline fix or doing something worthy of a YouTube video. It’s about being alive. God created men to desire adventure because the skills we learn through it—endurance, perseverance, trust, risk—are the same skills we need to experience a life fully alive to Him. After all, the greatest adventure of all—the only adventure that will fully meet this need within a man—is the adventure of living by faith.
But what happens if you ignore your desire for adventure, refuse to take risks, and choose to live a “safe” life? Life will become nothing more than punching a clock, doing your daily duties, and only saying the “right” things so you don’t stir the pot. Men who accept this life become passive…jaded…bored. When these men see the grocery store in flames, they drive right past it and look for a safer place to buy their milk. Instead of adventure, they settle for something safer—something free from risk. Sadly, the longer a man goes down this road, the more tempted he will be to retreat into fantasy.
Fantasy is the opposite of adventure, though. Instead of awakening life within you, it encourages you to hide from life. It promises an escape from the pain and disappointment in your real world that you are too afraid to face. Instead of embracing the risk of addressing these things and entering into the adventure of faith that God has called you to, you check out. You turn to TV, video games, hobbies, or even sinful things such as pornography or drunkenness as a means of distracting yourself from the hard realities of real life. But these distractions are not real. They are merely fantasies robbing you from the life God is calling you to.
Ben Stiller’s new movie, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty, illustrates this pull between the masculine longing for adventure and the false solution of fantasy, which is why I think it should be required viewing for every man.
In the movie, Walter is bored. He lives his life according to duty. There is no drama, no romance, and certainly no adventure in his world. Walter is afraid to take risks, so he settles for merely daydreaming about the type of life he truly desires.
Inevitably, Walter comes to a crossroads in his life. He is given the opportunity to enter into an adventure far beyond anything he has experienced before. But in order to do so, he must take enormous risks. Each time he steps outside of his comfort zone, though, it becomes easier and easier for him to do it the next time. By the end of the movie, Walter has been transformed from a coward into “a cross between Indiana Jones and the lead singer of The Strokes.”
Just like Walter Mitty, if you want to experience the adventure God has called you to, you will need to step out of your comfort zone and take risks. You will need to trust God completely, even when it seems risky, illogical, or unsafe. But the more you trust Him, the easier it will be to trust Him further. Before you know it, you will find yourself living your own adventure of faith, trusting God in ways you never before dreamed possible.
So, my brother, if you are hiding behind fantasy, I would strongly encourage you to stop talking yourself out of the adventure God is calling you to. Be honest with yourself and ask what will make your heart come alive more: Risking whatever it takes to follow God, love your family, and impact the Kingdom for eternity; or getting caught up on your DVR? It’s like asking if you’d rather watch Gladiator or Dirty Dancing, isn’t it?
The real world needs your strength. Your family needs your strength. And the only way to start believing you have it is to trust God when He calls you to run toward the burning building. Yes, you may get singed in places, but it’s worth it.
The adventure of faith is always worth it.
The world tells you “Don’t climb on that, don’t break anything,
don’t be so aggressive, don’t be so noisy,
don’t be so messy, don’t make such crazy risks.”
But God’s design—which he placed in boys
as the picture of himself—is a resounding yes.
Be fierce, be wild, be passionate.
~John Eldredge, Wild at Heart~
Each week, we roundup the best links, articles, and videos we find that are relevant to overcoming pornography addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it doesn’t necessarily mean we agree with everything in the linked article. It just means we found it interesting enough to share.
Gospel Coalition: Finding Sexual Freedom in Augustine’s Confessions
Experimental Theology: To Make the Love of God Credible
Each week, we roundup the best links, articles, and videos we find that are relevant to overcoming pornography addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it doesn’t necessarily mean we agree with everything in the linked article. It just means we found it interesting enough to share.
Accredited Online Colleges: Everlasting Lessons of Mister Rogers
Relevant Magazine: How Malcolm Gladwell Rediscovered Faith
