Biblical help and resources for men who struggle with porn addiction. The official website of Stephen Kuhn, author of 10 Lies Men Believe about Porn.
Each week, we roundup the best links, articles, and videos we find that are relevant to overcoming pornography addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it doesn’t necessarily mean we agree with everything in the linked article. It just means we found it interesting enough to share.
Covenant Eyes: Ex-Porn Star Tells the Truth About the Porn Industry
Experimental Theology: Incarnations of God’s Mercy
Thom S. Rainer: Seven Warning Signs of Affairs for Pastors
I’ve got a question for you: Who are you?
If you’re anything like most people, especially men, your first response to that question is probably your job title. After that, you may list off your age, how many kids you have, or perhaps even your hobbies.
If I had been asked that question a few years back, I would have answered, “I am a graphic designer.” This is true, but it’s not really who I am—it’s just what I do to pay the bills. I might also have told you that I am a dad to the coolest (and cutest) girl in the world, that I like being in the mountains, and that I love bacon almost as much as I love air.
Here’s the deal, though—these things may describe me, but they do not define me. In order to figure out what defines you—your true identity—you need to understand who your Creator says you are. After all, He’s the One who made you, so He is the only one with the authority to give you an identity.
If you don’t understand who God says you are, you are left to fill your identity void on your own. Anywhere you look outside of Him will result in a false identity, because your true identity is not something you can create or achieve—it can only be received.
Satan will try to exploit your identity void in a myriad of ways in order to wreak havoc in your life. One of the most prolific ways he does this is by convincing you that your identity is defined by your sin—or by the sins of others against you. How many times have you thought, I am a terrible sinner, or placed labels on yourself such as stupid, worthless, dirty, failure, and so on? Once you look to the Bible and see the truth about what God says about you, you will see that none of these labels are true about you. They are all false identities.
Not all false identities are based on “bad things.” In fact, it’s quite common for men to seek to find their identity in things most people would consider to be good. The problem with this approach, though, is these “good things” tend to become “god things,” because we allow them to replace God as the most important part of our lives.
Over the next few weeks, we’ll be taking a deeper look at a few of the more common false identities men tend to latch onto—Social Groups, Hobbies, and Romantic Relationships—as well as the truth of who God says you are. Please feel free to subscribe to the blog and follow along with us through this series.
This post has been adapted from my new book,
10 Lies Men Believe About Porn, available now.
For more information, or to sign up for updates, please visit the
Belt of Truth Bookstore.
Each week, we roundup the best links, articles, and videos we find that are relevant to overcoming pornography addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it doesn’t necessarily mean we agree with everything in the linked article. It just means we found it interesting enough to share.
Desiring God: Seven Details to See in Your Past
Experimental Theology: The Theology of Johnny Cash: Part 1, I Walk the Line
Each week, we roundup the best links, articles, and videos we find that are relevant to overcoming pornography addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it doesn’t necessarily mean we agree with everything in the linked article. It just means we found it interesting enough to share.
Sparring Mind: Is Your Brain Truly Ready for Junk Food, Porn, or the Internet?
Freedom In Christ Ministries: Overcoming Addiction
Each week, we roundup the best links, articles, and videos we find that are relevant to overcoming pornography addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it doesn’t necessarily mean we agree with everything in the linked article. It just means we found it interesting enough to share.
Desiring God: Pornography—The New Narcotic
Storyline Blog: How the Secret of the Snake Changed My Life Forever
The Village Church: The “Opposite” Sex?
Photo by BrianTuchalskiPhotography
Many people will claim that pornography is a victimless crime. “It’s not hurting anyone,” they say. “What a man does behind closed doors is his own prerogative.”
The problem with that belief though, is it couldn’t be further from the truth. Pornography hurts everyone involved, and the closer someone is to the user, the more likely they are to be deeply hurt.
One of the more common places where this can happen is the relationship between a dad and his little girl. For that reason, I think it’s important to consider five ways pornography use affects a father’s relationship with his daughter.
If a father is looking at porn, he will have a hard time offering appropriate loving affection to his daughter once she starts to mature physically. He will notice her looking more and more like the women he has been watching online, and misplaced shame will cause him to avoid hugging her because it just doesn’t feel right anymore.
Sadly, his daughter will notice this and begin to wonder why she’s no longer receiving affection from her father. This frequently leads girls to believe there is something wrong with them or, often times, to seek affection elsewhere (usually in the arms of a teenage boy who has noticed her physical changes as well).
The shame that frequently comes from porn use will cause most men to become distant, isolated, and hidden. Rather than modeling how a husband should be pursuing his wife daily, he will be teaching his daughter to settle for a man who merely exists physically—but not emotionally—within the same house.
Furthermore, the percentage of divorce cases that site pornography use as major contributing factor is extremely high. This was the unfortunate end-result of my own addiction, which means my daughter is now growing up in two separate homes with two separate parents. She may have a wonderful example of a mom, and (hopefully) a great example of a dad, but our divorce has robbed her of the opportunity to observe how a mom and a dad can lovingly interact with one another.
There are countless stories of girls discovering porn on their dad’s computer and believing she must look and act like these women if she wants a man to notice her. These beliefs will often stay with her for many years, if not her entire life. But even if she never discovers the porn itself, she’s likely to notice other behaviors in her dad that often come with porn use:
You see, when a man uses pornography, the way he views all women changes, and examples such as these become much more likely (and noticeable) in his life.
There are many views in the church regarding the presence of negative spiritual influences. The Bible makes it clear, however, these things not only exist, but they are actively seeking to harm us (see Ephesians 6:13, 1 Peter 5:8 . I personally experienced frequent nightmares and terrifying visions when I was in the grip of my addiction to pornography, but they stopped completely once I asked God to set me free from the bondage I had invited into my life. That was proof enough for me that there was something very real about the connection between spiritual forces and my porn addiction.
Now, I can’t say for sure whether a father’s use of porn will invite spiritual bondage into other members of his home. What I do know, though, is the risk is certainly not worth it. You wouldn’t invite a known criminal into your house, so why would you open the door to any other negative influences?
Ultimately, compulsive porn use will hinder a father’s relationship with God. This is not the result of God turning away from him because of his ongoing sin (Thankfully, God’s love is never dependent upon our behavior). It’s because the man has chosen to rely on his own power to manage his life and meet his needs.
Trying to manage and meet the needs in your life independently from God is exhausting. And, as a father, I can assure you that being an effective parent without God’s help is impossible. That’s why it’s vitally important to rely on Him for the wisdom and ability you will need to effectively guide your little girl into becoming a healthy woman. The role of a father is far too great to try to do on your own.
•••
Fathers, I don’t tell you these things to make you feel guilty about looking at porn. I tell you them to help you recognize the full effect it may be having on those you love.
Don’t lose heart, though. There is hope. Freedom from pornography is available for those who seek it. The best part is that it’s not about learning to fight better or resist temptation more effectively. In fact, it has nothing to do with what you are capable of at all.
Freedom comes when you are given a new heart, with new desires. A heart that no longer desires porn because it’s found something so much greater. That, my friend, is true freedom…and that freedom can only come from Christ.
