Walking in the Light

The first step to freedom is allowing others to help you in your battle. Once you bring your sin into the light through openness and honesty, it begins to lose it's power.

Have You Heard of the New Filter, PluckEye?

By Stephen Kuhn | Filed Under: Announcements, Walking in the Light |

Hey Friends,
I’d like to introduce you to my friend Jon. He’s been working on a new type of web filter that has some really cool features I think will be helpful for those of you looking for something to help cut off the flow as you seek inner-healing. It’s completely free, and he’s seeking feedback from actual users, so try it out and let him know what you think.
—Stephen

Greetings! My name is Jon Wilkes, and I’m trying to spread the word about Pluckeye, a filter to help people better control their Internet use.

Pluckeye is the filter you’ve always wanted if you really, really, really want to avoid porn on your Windows/Mac/Linux box.

Pluckeye is quite configurable, but out of the box it does the following:

Blocks all images and all video from all websites.
Allows text content from all websites.
Permits the user to select safe sites from which images will be allowed.
Permits the user to set a delay which will initiate a waiting period (e.g. 24 hours) before the user can do any of the following:
• Add a new safe site.
• Uninstall Pluckeye.
• Decrease the delay.

In short, the combination of these features makes it so that porn is no longer one click and one second away on the computer.

Here are a few other things that can be done with Pluckeye:

Block access to search engines except for a set period of time each day.
Allow access to the entire Internet except for a set period of time daily.
Give a friend or spouse a specific URL that allows them to view changes to your Pluckeye settings in real-time.

I believe Pluckeye may be very useful to some people, so I’m trying to spread the word about its existence. I’m also very interested in getting feedback—positive or negative—so that I have a better sense of whether Pluckeye ultimately helps the repentant porn user (or compulsive gambler, or gamer, or whatever).

Oh, and one last thing. It’s currently free. Give it a try, and let me know what you think! After using it for a while, contact me here and let me know what you think.

Thanks!

Jon Wilkes,
Creator of Pluckeye

2015 Belt of Truth Honest Christmas Letter

By Stephen Kuhn | Filed Under: My Story, Walking in the Light |

The Kuhn Family, December 2015

We have a tradition here at Belt of Truth Ministries where I send out a Christmas letter recapping all that has happened in the previous year.

Now, you’re probably thinking that’s not anything new. Everyone does that, right?

Yes, but I do mine a bit differently. Rather than merely listing the highlights of the year, I try to be honest and share the stuff I’m not super proud of as well, since I believe not hiding your junk is one of the fundamental practices that helps keep you free from bondage.

After all, trusting others to love and accept you right where you’re at is often the first step in trusting that God loves and accepts you right where you’re at.

So, in the spirit of “practice what you preach,” I give you the 2015 Belt of Truth Honest Christmas Letter:

•••

Dear Friends,

If I had to put a label on 2015, I would call it the year of Job 42. For those of you who are not familiar with the book of Job, chapter 42 is where God restores to Job all that he had lost in ways far exceeding what he hoped for or deserved:

So the Lord blessed Job in the second half of his life even more than in the beginning. For now he had 14,000 sheep, 6,000 camels, 1,000 teams of oxen, and 1,000 female donkeys (Job 42:12).

I may not have received a herd of donkeys this year, but I have nevertheless been blown away by His unending grace and mercy.

Marriage Update #1

If you’ve read my book, you already know of the call God put on my heart to wait and pray for reconciliation with my former wife. In fact, I’ve had many readers contact me asking how things turned out and whether or not we’ve gotten back together. As it turned out, she married a really great guy in the fall of 2014, closing the door on the possibility of us reconciling (at least as a married couple).

To be honest, God had been preparing my heart for that moment for a while, so there was no mourning the relationship as I’d always imagined there might be. On the contrary, I was genuinely happy for her and her new husband. I will admit that it’s an odd thing at first to see your former wife married to another man, but now, only a year later, it no longer seems strange at all. In fact, I just saw them holding hands last week and thought to myself, that’s cute. I’m glad they’re happy.

Marriage Update #2

During those years when I was still waiting for her, there was always the question in my mind of what I would do if she did remarry, releasing me to date again. I’d be lying if I said I’d never thought about marrying anyone else.I always knew if I started dating again, there was only one girl that I would even consider pursuing. Luckily, when the time became right and I told her how I felt, she had the same feelings for me as well. We both knew we were a good fit for each other because we’d already been friends for years, so we ended up dating for only a few months before making it official. I rented a live owl to deliver an engagement ring to her (naturally), and we were married last March.

You may think that’s moving pretty fast, and you’re probably right. Patience is clearly not our thing, though, because we also managed to get pregnant only a few days into our honeymoon. We already planned to start a family quickly, but this was a bit sooner than expected. We’re super excited though, and like to think of our new little girl as God’s wedding gift to us.

For most people, getting married and having a baby would be enough major changes for one year, but not for us. We recently had an offer accepted on our first house, and hope to close by the end of the year. So, for those of you keeping track at home, that means we’ll be having a baby, celebrating Christmas, watching Star Wars, closing on a house, fixing up said house, and (hopefully) moving—all in the next two months.

I think our New Years resolution should be to not make any more changes in 2016 (although who am I kidding, we’re totally getting a dog).

It has been an amazing year to say the least. But in true “Honest Christmas Letter” fashion, there are a few things that I wish could have been different.

Walking in Freedom

In last years Christmas letter, I admitted to the following:

“Even though God has set me free from the chains of my addiction to porn, I still walk back into its trap once or twice a year. 2014 was a ‘twice year,’ but I have hope that 2015 will be a ‘once year.’ Perhaps it will even be a ‘none year.’”

Well, I’m excited to share that 2015 was indeed a “none year.” That doesn’t mean I’m prefect through. There were a few times where I’d allowed some old patterns to creep back in that required dealing with.

For instance, we moved into an apartment with a swimming pool, which I quickly realized was not a safe place for me to spend time alone given the propensity for girls to be there tanning in their swimsuits. There was a big part of me that wanted to not only hide that struggle, but to justify and embrace the temptation as well. I’m pleased to say that I did bring it up with the guys in my group, as well as with my wife, and invited them to check in with me regularly to make sure I wasn’t heading to the pool on my own.

Now, for some of you reading that, you may be rolling your eyes at how minor it sounds. Many of you will also find it insulting or discouraging that I’m considering the pool my biggest struggle with lust at this point. I get that. Keep in mind though, I’m years into my recovery. I have known what it’s like to struggle with porn daily, and I also know what it’s like to be set free from that struggle. More importantly though, I know that no matter how free I become, I’m still only a few bad decisions away from being right back to where I was. That’s why I treat these seemingly small struggles with the same importance that I would treat a full-on relapse.

Learning Humility

As many of you know, I published my second book, DONE, earlier this year. It was well received from the start, but sales have since dropped off significantly. 10 Lies Men Believe about Porn, followed a similar path at first, however, it is slowly picking up momentum. Either way, I’m not exactly headed for the New York Times best-seller list any time soon.

I knew that writing a book on porn addiction wasn’t going to make me rich, but that’s not why I wrote it. I wrote it to try to get this message out to as many people as possible and help them find the same freedom from addiction that I have found. That’s why it’s hard for me to see my sales numbers remain low each week. I know there are hundreds of people who would benefit from my books, and I strongly believe God wants this message out there, but I just can’t figure out how to get these books to rise above the endless sea of titles being added to Amazon every day.

On my worst days, this discourages me to the point where I consider walking away from writing altogether. “What’s the point?” I think to myself, “No one will read this stuff anyway.” I know that’s the enemy talking though. I believe God has called me to write, so I will continue to write… regardless of how many people are going to read it. After all, even if one guy finds freedom through reading my books, it’s worth it.

The Lord Blesses Job…

We are told that Job was blameless and upright, but I can tell you I was definitely not. I was clearly the one who screwed everything up and caused the majority of the destruction in my life. Yet, regardless of my guilt, God has still chosen to restore me in the same manner that He restored Job. That, my friends, is grace.

I pray that you may experience this same lavish grace of God in your life this coming year, regardless of whether or not you deserve it. Because let’s be honest, none of us deserve it.

With His love,
Stephen

What you are you sharing in your Christmas letter this year?

Are You Viewing Recovery as an All-Star Game, or T-Ball?

By Stephen Kuhn | Filed Under: Law and Grace, Walking in the Light |

I’m excited to announce that another post I wrote for xxxChurch.com went live this morning. If you aren’t familiar with xxxChurch, they’re the #1 site on the internet offering biblical help for those who struggle with porn addiction. I suggest you check out all the great resources they offer to help you on your journey to freedom. And, of course, check out my posts on their site as well.

When I showed up to my first recovery group, I expected it to be like the MLB All-Star game. I just knew the other guys there were going to be so far ahead of me on their journey that I wouldn’t even fit in. What I soon discovered, though, was recovery is a lot more like T-ball than the majors.

If you’ve never witnessed a T-Ball game, they’re super-fun. Imagine a bunch of four-year-olds with no idea of what they’re supposed to be doing swinging bats and running around aimlessly. It doesn’t matter whether little Billy ever hits the ball or not—everyone watching the game will still cheer him on as if he hit a grand slam.

Most of the time, half the kids don’t even pay attention to the game—they’re off chasing bugs or picking flowers—but their coach never stops encouraging them from the sidelines. If one of those kids somehow does pick up the ball and toss it back to the right spot, the entire crowd goes wild. “Billy just did something right!” It’s a small victory, but a meaningful one.

What if we shared the same level of enthusiasm for the little victories in our own lives?

Read the rest of this post at xxxChruch.com

To All the Men Who Just Got Outed on Ashley Madison…

By Stephen Kuhn | Filed Under: Announcements, Walking in the Light |

Ashley Madison has been hacked, but that’s not news to you. No, you’ve been watching this story unfold very closely, hoping desperately that the data wouldn’t be made public.

Unfortunately for you, that was not the case. If you’re anything like the majority of men and women who just got outed in the breach, you probably have a few thoughts running through your mind right now:

Is my email on that list? Who am I kidding. I know it is.
Will my wife look for my name? Has she looked already?
Is there anything I can do to keep this secret hidden?

Your carefully crafted wall of deception now has this huge, gaping, obvious hole exposing the truth about you to anyone who wishes to look—and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to stop it at this point.

I know your pain.

I know your fear.

My heart breaks for you, because I’ve been right where you are.

I know very personally the shame that comes from being found out, from being discovered, from coming face-to-face with the destruction your hidden life has been causing in the lives of everyone you love.

But I also know that for many people, myself included, this tragedy can also be the catalyst that springboards you into a life of freedom from the things that currently enslave you.

Today, this is the worst thing that has ever happened to you. But with time, if you humble yourself and learn the lessons that God has for you in this season, I am confident that you can someday look back upon this time in your life with thankfulness and praise.

My own story is far too long to fully share in a single post, as are the lessons that God taught me through my own sexual addiction, consequent exposure, and ongoing redemption. However, I would love to give you a free copy of my book, 10 Lies Men Believe about Porn, so that you may read the full account of how God worked in my life—even in the most tragic of circumstances.

Just use the coupon code “ASHMAD” on our bookstore to get a free copy today.

This is not the end of the road for you, my brother. No, this may in fact be the trailhead. Let me hand you the map that God gave me to follow through my own dark valley, and perhaps it will help you to find the deep love, acceptance, and intimacy that you were searching for on Ashley Madison.

Is the Fear of Being Found Out Contributing to Your Addiction?

By Stephen Kuhn | Filed Under: Intimacy, Law and Grace, Walking in the Light |

What is your biggest fear?

Personally, I hate snakes. Even little, innocent, harmless, garter snakes. I know they can’t hurt me. I’ve been told they’re more afraid of me than I am of them. Whatever. I still hate them.

It still curls my nose hairs when I think of the woodpile in our backyard. My wife was an avid gardener and was constantly in need of more trellises and raised beds throughout the yard. I liked to swing a hammer, build stuff, and pretend to be manly, so it worked out great. My dad called me up one day and told me he had an old, weathered trellis that needed to be removed and hauled to the dump and figured he’d ask if we could use the wood. It wasn’t just any trellis though. It was over twenty feet long! Of course we jumped all over the prospect of free, pre-weathered wood and told him to go ahead and dump it in our yard instead. Over time, I built a few things out of it, but the majority of the pile sat untouched behind the shed.

There was one particular afternoon where I needed to use the tarp covering the woodpile to line the bed of my truck. I carefully removed it with one hand, casting it aside quickly so I could fight off any striking rattlers (garter snakes) with the pitchfork I was holding in my other hand like a spear. Seeing none, I relaxed, bunched up the tarp, and carried it over to my truck to spread it out.

As I unfolded the tarp I saw the most frightening thing I have ever seen in my entire life: Not just one, but TWO garter snakes had been curled up in the tarp. I had just carried these wretched creatures in my own arms! I instantly screamed like a little girl and did that freak-out dance where you jump and run in place at the same time while your whole body convulses in sheer terror. I’m sure I made my wife proud.

As ridiculous and exaggerated as this story sounds, I can assure you it is all true. Typing it out all these years later still brings a shiver to my spine. The crazy thing is, at one point in my life I had a fear that was significantly more crippling than my fear of snakes. If I were given the choice between facing this greater fear, and being a stand-in for Indiana Jones in the snake pit scene, I would have asked for the whip and fedora without hesitation.

The one thing that scared me even more than snakes was a fear that someday, someone might discover who I really was. I might let my guard down and allow my true self to be seen. Someone might discover that Steve, the upstanding, churchgoing, youth-group volunteering, hard-worker guy was actually Steve the porn addict. Steve the pathological liar. Steve the sinner.

You see, I believed I was the only man sitting in church fighting this battle—failing at this battle. If I allowed others to see that I wasn’t perfect, they might reject me. After all, I didn’t want anyone to think this whole Christianity thing wasn’t working for me. I lived my life in a state of constant fear—fear of getting caught, fear of being found out, fear of being rejected if people got to know the real me.

When you believe the real you is worse than everyone else, and you fear that God and others would be ashamed of you, the only option you will feel you have left is to clean yourself up and make yourself acceptable again. This plays right into the trap of the devil though, because your sin isn’t something you can actually clean up on your own. No matter how hard you try, you will continue to spin your wheels and get nowhere. Your sin and shortcomings, if anything, will become even more central in your day-to-day awareness because of how much time and effort you will be devoting to fixing them. They will become your focal point. And the more you focus on your sin, the more gasoline gets dumped on the fire of your shame.

But God’s desire is not for you to struggle in isolation. He wants you to reach out for help, both from Him and from others. We are told in James:

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results (James 5:16).

Did you catch that? If we confess our sins to each other, we will be healed. For some reason, God has decided He wants the healing of our habitual sins to be a team sport. It makes perfect sense when you think about it. Jesus tells us the defining characteristic of a believer that sets us apart from the world is our love (John 13:35), and nothing shows Christ like love to others more than coming alongside a brother who is struggling, sharing your life with him, praying for him, and accepting him regardless of his issues. It’s through these types of relationships that we can begin to experience what the unconditional love of Christ looks like.

It’s ironic—and heartbreaking—that so many men are hiding their struggles with porn in an attempt to protect themselves, when in reality, the hiding is contributing to their bondage. If you are in Christ, He has already set you free. All you need to do to experience that freedom is bring your hidden sin into the light so the blood of Jesus can cleanse you and set you free from it.

What is the biggest fear you have had to overcome?

This post was an excerpt from my book, 10 Lies Men Believe About Porn, available wherever books are sold.

Will Using a Filter Set Me Free?

By Stephen Kuhn | Filed Under: Walking in the Light |

I can still remember the excitement I felt when I installed my first internet filter more than 10 years ago. I was sure I’d found the solution to my struggles with pornography. I had blocked porn at its source so now, even if I wanted to find it, I wouldn’t be able to. I was finally going to be free.

The filter worked perfectly… for a day or two. Until I realized how easily I could find ways to get around it. I’d always patch these holes as soon as I regained clarity of mind, thinking I would become free once again. But then I just would find another loophole… or buy a magazine… or go to a preview booth…

Clearly the filter was not my answer to freedom.

Over the years that I’ve been in recovery ministry, I’ve noticed how most people think of internet filters much like fences. They believe (as I did) that installing one on their computer or phone will create a boundary that not only keeps the bad stuff out, but ideally keeps them (or whomever they are trying to protect) safely contained from wandering into areas they don’t want to go.

The problem with that view though, is any fence you put up around your devices will inevitably have the potential for holes. And—as I knew full well from my own struggles with porn—if an addict wants to find one of these loopholes badly enough, he will find one.

This insatiable drive within an addict to get around the filter illustrates the reason why a filter alone can never set you free…

Read the rest of this article on xxxChurch.com

The 2 Questions You Need to Ask about your Accountability Group

By Stephen Kuhn | Filed Under: Walking in the Light |

My first experience with an accountability group was over 20 years ago in my middle-school youth group. Three of us guys would get together with the youth pastor for a weekly “check-in.” Typically, my end of the conversation would go something like this:

“I had a decent week. Maybe I looked down that girl’s shirt a little longer than I should have, but it was really nothing. I’m fine. It’s all good. Let’s go play Nintendo.”

In retrospect, I can see now what we were calling an accountability group was really nothing more than a handful of guys going through a pre-planned script so we could check another item off our spiritual to-do list for the week.

We wanted to get through the boring accountability part as quickly as possible and then move on to what we we’re really there for: MarioKart.

I have a feeling my middle-school experience probably wasn’t that far off from what many of you picture when you hear the term “accountability group.” And if I’m correct in that assumption, then it’s probably safe to say most of you aren’t all that passionate about the thought of being in accountability group at all.

To be honest, I wouldn’t be excited about a group like that either.

But what if that’s not actually what an accountability group is supposed to look like?

What if there’s a deeper, more meaningful, and significantly more beneficial model of accountability available to us?

I believe there is, and it’s found in the teachings of Jesus.

Instead of a mindless routine, your group can become a life-giving time of healing and connection, but in order to experience this type of group, you will need to consider the following questions:

Read the rest of this article on xxxChurch.com

10 Steps to Go a Year Free of Porn and Masturbation

By Stephen Kuhn | Filed Under: Desires, Walking in the Light |

A few days ago, xxxChurch.com published an article titled: 10 Steps to Go a Year Free of Porn and Masturbation. They asked each of us contributors to submit our top-2 pieces of advice on quitting porn, and then narrowed it down to the top-10.

You can read the whole post on their site, but I thought I would share with you my two suggestions today:

Learn to trust God’s unconditional love for you—even in the midst of your struggles. The truth is, no matter how badly you’ve messed up, or how far down the path into porn addiction you’ve wandered, God will always be right beside you waiting to help you back up. It’s tempting to believe He wants you to fix your junk before you come to Him, but in reality He wants you to come to Him with your junk so He can fix it for you. After all, if “God showed His great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners (Romans 5:8),” why would He turn away from you now?
–
Find at least one person who you can trust with everything. It feels so natural to hide our struggles in order to appear like we have it all together. As long as your junk stays hidden though, it will fester. It will continue to control and torment you until you deal with it. Luckily, God has given us His plan for how to bring our junk into the light: “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed (James 5:16).” It’s a simple plan, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Be courageous though. Find at least one person who you can share your junk with so that nothing in your life remains hidden. Dig it up, talk about it, pray about it, and bless one another as you share your victories together.

These are the two pieces of wisdom that have helped me the most on my journey towards freedom. I trust they will help you as well.

So here’s to a new year, and a new opportunity to trust God, and to trust others, to come alongside you on your journey.

Read the whole post on xxxchurch.com.

What if We Were Actually Honest with Each Other in Our Christmas Letters?

By Stephen Kuhn | Filed Under: Walking in the Light |

I love Christmas.

I love the fancy lights, the ridiculous sweaters, and even the frigid weather up here in the Northwest.

Most of all though, I love seeing the joy, anticipation, and excitement on kid’s faces, which is probably why I hope to be a mall Santa when I retire. (You think I’m kidding. I’m not.)

But I’m not going to talk about any of that today.

Because today, I’m here to call you out on something:

We need to talk about your
annual Christmas letter.

Every year our inboxes are flooded with these letters sharing highlights from the previous year:

Billy made the honor roll for the 4th straight year.
Susie married her Ivy-League boyfriend at the Yacht Club!
We had the most wonderful family vacation to Paris!
Look at all these pictures of us smiling and living our perfect life!

If we’re being honest, most of us use these letters to paint a picture that our lives are perfect. In reality, we know they aren’t. Furthermore, when we read these letters from others, it’s tempting to compare our life to the life they’re putting on display, confirming our suspicion that ours is often not what we hoped it would be.

But what if we stopped comparing our outtakes to everyone else’s highlight reels?

Or, better yet:

What if we actually trusted
others with our real lives?

From my own personal experience, I can tell you this would change everything.

Why? Because allowing others to love you where you’re at is the first step to believing God loves you where you’re at.

But in order to do that, you need to actually let someone know what’s really going on in your life.

For reals.

I’m not saying you need to rewrite your Christmas letter to confess all your shortcomings and struggles to your entire mailing list. What I would suggest, is that we all need someone in our life whom we feel safe enough with to share not just our highlights, but our outtakes as well.

In other words, we need to stop hiding our junk.

We all need someone in our life
whom we feel safe enough with
to share not just our highlights,
but our outtakes as well.

So, in the spirit of “practice what you preach,” I give you the 2014 Belt of Truth Christmas Letter (Honest Edition):

Dear Friends,

As I look back over 2014, I’m incredibly grateful for all the wonderful people in my life, and the amazing experiences I’ve been blessed with. I could easily fill this letter with highlights from last year: releasing my book to the wild, attending some amazing conferences, renting a bounce castle for my birthday…

Needless to say it’s been a great year.

But instead of focusing only on the external stuff, I’d like to let you know what’s going on in my heart as well:

For starters, I am not a patient person. I want my book to be selling better now. I want answers to all of my prayers now. I want the lady checking out in front of me to stop filling out that check and to use a debit card like the rest of the world. I don’t like to wait for anything, which is probably why God has me in a season of waiting at the moment.

On a related note, I’m trying to become okay with the fact that after six months, it appears the odds of me being the next Donald Miller, Randy Alcorn, or John Eldredge, are slim at best. I would love this message of freedom to reach thousands of men, but I also wonder if that is what’s truly motivating that desire. Do I want to spread the message, or do I just want fame and wealth? Deep down, I worry about how I would handle that level of influence if God did give it to me, so perhaps the slow sales are actually Him protecting me.

I fear that my limited time with my daughter will never be enough to steer her away from the negative cultural influences I already see effecting her. Furthermore, when I am with her, I feel as if I have no idea how to teach her about Jesus. I have no problem standing up in front of a hundred men to share with them how Jesus changed my life, but my fear of failing as her dad often paralyzes me from talking about the same things with her.

I sometimes ignore my friends when I see them in real-life. I’ll pretend I don’t notice them and walk away to avoid the pleasantries and small talk. The thing is, I genuinely like these people, so this really makes no sense to me.

I’ve been known to take more than one sample at Costco. Sure, everyone does this, but here’s the deal: I feel zero remorse about it. None. Sometimes, I don’t even try to hide it. I’m a monster.

And finally, on a more serious note, even though God has set me free from the chains of my addiction to porn, I still walk back into its trap once or twice a year. 2014 was a “twice year,” but I have hope that 2015 will be a “once year.” Perhaps it will even be a “none year.” To be honest, I hate this. It makes me feel like a hypocrite knowing God has called me to help men with this issue, yet my own batting average remains imperfect. I want so badly to be done with it altogether.

All this goes to show that even though I’ve seen God do amazing things in my life in 2014, I still haven’t “arrived,” which is why I continue to need His grace and mercy daily.

So, here’s to another year of learning how to live out of my identity in Christ. And, by His grace, another year of growing more and more like Him.

With His love,
Stephen

There you go. This is what goes on in my heart. Obviously, I’m not perfect. But let’s be honest here…none of us are.

As you look forward to 2015, maybe you will decide it’s the year for you to stop pretending everything is perfect.

Perhaps it’s time to finally trust someone to walk with you…pray for you…and love you for who you really are…outtakes and all.

Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results (James 5:16).

So, my friend, what did you leave out of your Christmas letter this year?

I Have a Confession to Make…

By Stephen Kuhn | Filed Under: Walking in the Light |

Up until a few years ago, I was single-handedly keeping the multi-billion-dollar pornography industry alive. I don’t quite know how the numbers added up, but it had to be true. I mean, I was the only guy with this issue from what I could tell. I know none of my friends struggled with it, that’s for sure. It definitely couldn’t have been an issue for the other men at my church. From what I could tell, I was the only man in the sanctuary, the only man in the world, trying to fight this battle.

Seriously though, what kind of Christian am I anyways? Obviously not a very good one. God must be so ashamed of me. Why can’t I get it together? Why am I failing so badly at being a Christian?

There I was, sitting in church most Sundays, unable to close my eyes during prayer for fear of what would pop into my head from the polluted corners of my mind.

What will these other men think if they found out I had this secret? What if they find out how far from God I really am? There’s no way I can tell them. At best, they will probably make me stand in front of the whole church, say I’m sorry for being such a poor representation of what a Christian should be, and promise to never sin again…or else.

I thought it would all go away when I got married, but somehow it actually got worse.

What if my wife finds out? It will destroy her. She might leave me. She probably would leave me. Nope, I shouldn’t tell her. I can’t tell her. That would be stupid. We’ll be happier if I just keep this hidden and fight it alone. She knows something is wrong, but she doesn’t know what it is. I’ll fix it, and then things will get better between us and she will never have to know.

I wasn’t quite ready to admit it was an addiction yet, even though it controlled my life, but I could at least see I had a problem. I just needed to find the right program, or combination of programs, anything…something had to work.

If I just try harder, find a better internet filter, or make enough promises to God and to myself, I will eventually find freedom from this sin.

I know I can get this under control eventually…

Nothing is working. I’m getting worse.

Where is God? Why won’t He help me?

Am I even a Christian?

Sounds ridiculous, right? Or could it be these very thoughts have gone through your mind as well? I am willing to bet, if you are reading this blog, you’ve at least thought something similar.

The more I have the honor of helping other men find their freedom from pornography addiction, the more I see a consistent pattern of thought that contributes to their bondage.

Here’s the deal though—these thoughts are all lies.

This is why I’m here now.

My hope for this blog is that I may be able to share with you the truth about pornography addiction and be a part of you finding true, lasting freedom from its clutches.

So, welcome to the trailhead. I’m glad you’re here.

Walking in the Light

Have You Heard of the New Filter, PluckEye?