Weekly Web (W)roundup
By | Filed Under: Weekly Web (W)roundup |
Each week, I round up the best resources, articles, and videos I find that are relevant to finding freedom from porn addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it does not mean I agree with everything in the linked article. It just means I found it interesting enough to share.
NACR.org: Let Go of Shame
“Letting go of shame is important because shame leads only to destructive places. Shame keeps us focused on how bad we feel about ourselves, and thus less aware and open to others. Shame keeps us immobilized because it is based in the belief that we are hopelessly beyond help. Shame pushes us to isolate because we feel too exposed. Shame feels so terrible that it opens the door to rage. We cannot stand to feel so terrible so we lash out at ourselves and we lash out at others.”
Wm. Paul Young: An Invitation to a Different Kind of Conversation
“Here are some thoughts as we work toward crafting a free and safe space, to interact and tell our stories. These are lessons I’ve learned about how to interact with each other freely, and I’d like you to ponder them, should you have the time and inclination.”
Gospel Coalition: 10 Things Singles in Romantic Relationships Ought to Know
“It’s not bad to want to have sex with your significant other. It’d be another sort of worry if you didn’t. The key is to want to glorify Christ more than you want to have sex with each other.”
CovenantEyes: 10 Amazing Resources for Talking to Children About Porn
“Talking to kids about porn sounds, at the very least, like an awkward conversation. But never before have their been so many good resources to help parents talk to their kids about this critical topic.”
Pete Wilson: Is There Really Grace For Sexual Sin?
Announcing my new book: “Done.” (Plus, vote for your favorite cover!)
By | Filed Under: Announcements |
Guess what? I wrote another book, and this one doesn’t have the word Porn emblazoned in giant red letters on the cover, so you should be way more comfortable reading it in public or giving it to your Grandmother.
The new book is called DONE. 52 Amazing Things that Became True of You the Moment You Trusted Christ. You can read more about it below, but first, I need your help choosing which design to use for the cover.
I’ve created three options, and I like all of them. However, I’m much more concerned with which one you like the best. So if you could take 30 seconds to vote for your favorite design, I would greatly appreciate it.
Plus, if you enter your email at the end of the survey (which is totally optional), I’ll let you know the day the book comes out this summer. You’ll want in on that for sure, because it’s going to be COMPLETELY FREE for the first 30 days only.
Vote for your favorite cover here!
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From the back cover:
Who Do You Think You Are?
If you’re anything like most people, your initial response to that question is probably your job title. After that, you may list off your age, how many kids you have, or perhaps even your hobbies. Those things may all be true about you, but they don’t define you. In order to discover the truth about who you really are, you need to ask the One who created you.
Who Does God Say You Are?
Done unpacks 52 key verses from God’s Word to help you discover His answer to the question of your identity. Each verse will help you to understand more deeply the truth of who you became the moment you trusted Christ.
You are Loved with an Everlasting Love
You Have Been Set Free from All Condemnation
You are Welcome in God’s Presence
The best part is, Done won’t give you a list of things you need to change in yourself. It will, however, help you discover the full depth of what God has already changed in you. That’s right, these changes are already done.
“Therefore if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature;
the old things passed away; behold, new things have come.”—2 Corinthians 5:17—
Don’t forget to vote for your favorite cover!
My One Thing: David Zailer
By | Filed Under: One Thing Videos |
“What’s the one piece of advice you would give
to someone struggling with porn addiction?”
David Zailer is the Executive Director for Operation Integrity and author of the books Our Journey Home and When Lost Men Come Home (not for men only).
Connect with David:
Twitter: @opintegrity
Check out all the “One Thing” video interviews here.
Transcript:
Steve: Hey guys! Steve here with Belt of Truth Ministries. I’m on the line with David Zailer, executive director of Operation Integrity and author of Our Journey Home and When Lost Men Come Home. David, what’s the one piece of advice that you give to somebody struggling with porn addiction?
David: Well first of all I think it’s important to stop the flow. Our technology – our smartphones, our tablets, laptops – had become vodka bottles for most of us. I think it’s very important that we make our machines and make our technology safe. I personally use Covenant Eyes. I know that there’s a lot of programs out there that are set to deter us but I think it’s essential that the unbroken lead and the unbroken access to unfiltered pornography is cut off. Not to do that makes our machines – our laptops and our phones – makes it equivalent of a vodka bottle that an alcoholic is carrying in its vest pocket, promising himself he’s never going to drink it, and we all realize that’s silly. It doesn’t make sense. That man needs to get rid of that vodka bottle. I think it’s very important to people who’s struggling with porn or sex addiction – stop the free, unmitigated access. That’s the first step. If I had to say one thing, that would certainly be the starting point. Problem there, and this is also a part of that piece, is that people need to get into a group. They need to get in a relationship where they have the opportunity and the environment with which they can start talking honestly about themselves, about their struggle, and where they also can find connected with other people who are honestly sharing about their lives as well. You asked me for one thing, I gave you two, but those to me are basic fundamental non-negotiable essentials.
Steve: Great! Yeah, and I would agree with giving those together because they really are two sides of the same coin. And that’s why I love software, like you mentioned Covenant Eyes. I know X-ray Watch does the same thing. It’s not just filtering. It’s accountability. And so the software not only helps you block the income of the inappropriate material but it also sets you up with somebody that’s going to be checking in on you and saying “oh I saw you were clicking around here. What’s going on?” It really opens that door to accountability as well.
David: I think the term accountability, especially in a cryptic culture, has become somewhat of a meaningless buzzword. Accountability starts with relationship. It starts with relationships that offer encouragement, and they had credibility. Here’s my smart phone. My board of directors gets my Covenant Eyes report. I’m not alone. I know whenever I’m accessing my email or I’m going online or anything, same thing with my tablet, same thing with my laptop, essentially my board or directors are there with me. My board of directors obviously are accountable because they’re all good dear friends of mine. I know, and I think this is the core essential about accountability, accountability if it’s just about not getting caught, you will find a way around it. The relationship behind accountability it is one of support, it’s one of encouragement. It’s like these people are not here to catch me. They’re here to support me. They’re not here to rebuke me or straighten me out. They’re here to love me and to guide me and to prevent a fall or if I do fall, to keep it from falling further. When we talk about accountability, I think those are important things to talk about, because if it’s just about getting caught, then we’re going to start manipulating and finding a way around it.
Steve: Yeah. Covering up so we don’t get caught. Thanks for sharing that, David. Tell people where they can find out more about you and your books and ministry and all that.
David: I have two books on the market. When Lost Men Come Home, not for men only. That’s the book that addresses sexual addiction and recovery from sexual and porn addiction. Amazon, any major book sellers, it’s available there. My other book’s Our Journey Home. That is one speaks to all different kinds of dynamics about addiction. It’s a 12-step big platform. It’s often used in small groups or devotional tools when they’re counseling a therapeutic application. It’s also available on Amazon and book sellers as well. People can reach me through operationintegrity.org. That’s the website. They can also follow me on Twitter and Facebook.
Steve: Okay. Thanks again for your time and keep up the good work. Thanks, David.
David: Thank you, Stephen, and thank you for your great work. I’m glad to get to know you.
Steve: Yeah no problem. You too. See you.
Smart Quote: Rob Bell
By | Filed Under: Smart Quotes |
Thoughts on this quote? Feel free to discuss them in the comments below.
Weekly Web (W)roundup
By | Filed Under: Weekly Web (W)roundup |
Each week, I round up the best resources, articles, and videos I find that are relevant to finding freedom from porn addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it does not mean I agree with everything in the linked article. It just means I found it interesting enough to share.
Relevant: Churches Need to Stop Avoiding Talking About Sexual Abuse
“There’s freedom and healing in being able to share our stories—even stories that are difficult. Churches should be places that foster this kind of openness, not places of judgment that make victims feel like they can’t be vulnerable and honest about their pasts.”
Christianity Today: Why “Don’t Do It” Doesn’t Work
“In addition to emphasizing the ‘Don’ts’ of sexuality, we have often focused on the potential pitfalls: unplanned pregnancies, potential diseases, emotional and psychological trauma, and the likelihood that someone who has sex outside of marriage is less likely to remain faithful in a marriage. These potential consequences are real, but they’re heard by young people as mere scare tactics to keep them in line.”
Dale Ryan: If your god is not God, fire him
“There is a difference—sometimes an enormous difference—between the God of our doctrinal statements and the god we live with every day. Our theological convictions may be thoroughly orthodox, but we may actually serve a god who is quick to anger and slow to forgive. Or a god who shames his followers. Or a god who is punitive and rejecting.”
DesiringGod: The Dead End of Sexual Sin
“Conversion brought with it a train wreck of contradictory feelings, ranging from liberty to shame. Conversion also left me confused. While it was clear that God forbade sex outside of biblical marriage, it was not clear to me what I should do with the complex matrix of desires and attractions, sensibilities and senses of self that churned within and still defined me.”
xxxChurch: Brittni’s Story about the Bible
My One Thing: Shellie R. Warren
By | Filed Under: One Thing Videos |
“What’s the one piece of advice you would give
to someone struggling with porn addiction?”
Shellie R. Warren is a Writer/Author/Marriage Life Coach/Doula and an all-around awesome lady. She doesn’t do social media by design, so the best way to get ahold of her is through email.
Connect with Shellie:
Email: missnosipho@gmail.com
Blog: “On Fire” Fast Movement
Check out all the “One Thing” video interviews here.
Transcript:
Steve: Hey guys! I’m here with Shellie R. Warren. Shellie is a writer, author, marriage life coach, doula…Shellie, you kind of do it all, don’t you?
Shellie: Kind of.
Steve: Well thanks for joining us here at Belt of Truth. I’m going to ask you the same question I’ve been asking a bunch of folks, and that’s what’s the one piece of advice you would give to someone struggling with porn addiction?
Shellie: One piece, wow! I think the greatest piece of information I would give is to admit that you have it and not feel bad that you do. When I do a lot of counseling, one of the things I tell people often is we’re all addicted to something. A lot of times we don’t want to admit that. But whether it’s social media or television or relationships or food or shopping or sex or porn, I think a lot of times we stigmatize things like being addicted to alcohol is a lot worse than being addicted to shopping. I mean it depends on your financial state versus your mental state. To me, when you have a porn addiction, I’m not looking at you as any worse or better. That’s just the thing that you’re struggling with. That will be my first piece of advice, admit that you have it. Then the second piece, I guess we’re going to go like through steps, the second piece would then admit to someone safe that you have it. And I think that’s one of the key things, someone safe. One of my favorite quotes is “complain to someone who can help you.” That’s the truth. A lot of times we end up feeling burdened or stressed or condemned, self condemned, because we go to the wrong person. We either go to someone who is not equipped to address the issue or someone who’s bailing the issue so they take their judgment out on us or someone who’s scared of the issue. So who would be safe? I guess that would be the question. Hopefully, prayerfully, your pastor’s safe. If not your pastor, someone you respect in spiritual leadership. If not that, if you know a counselor, a therapist, that’s awesome. If not that, your best friend if your best friend’s not currently going through it because you need someone who can help you out, not really someone that you’re kind of throwing up on with each other. The thirds step, I think if you’re married, with the help of whoever you talk to, you should tell your spouse as soon as possible. It’s scary to think that, but as a marriage life coach, one thing I realize is we keep forgetting that you’re supposed to be married to like your best friend. I think we’ve lost sight of that but they really are supposed to be the closest person to you. So the closest person to you should know, not so they can look down on you but so you can feel supported. And then the fourth thing I would say is pay real close attention to your triggers. I think a lot of people miss that too. So whenever I’m counseling single women or I’m public speaking to single women about how to stay sexually pure, I’m like a lot of times we’re not realistic, like when you’re ovulating you probably shouldn’t go to your boyfriend’s house at midnight. It’s not Satan. They’re what we call hormones. The same way with be with porn. As you’re facing your triggers…like I was never a porn addict but I used to watch it. People are going to be like “are you in denial? You’re an addict.” No, I’ve met addicts but I definitely knew triggers and my trigger was stress. If I’m financially stressed, if I’m emotionally stressed, I will go and look at porn so I don’t have to think about it. If you know what your triggers are, it can help to work you out because you start substituting the triggers. That was more than one piece of advice, wasn’t it Steve?
Steve: We’ll consider them all hyphenated into one mega piece of advice.
Shellie: And then I guess my fifth one and then I’ll stop there. I think the fifth piece of advice would be to take it one day at a time, and the fifth day piece could’ve been the first. I am now eight years without sex. When I started the journey, I was like “yeah we’re going to take this one day at a time.” And honestly I think that’s the only way I made it eight years, because if I had started year one and said I’m going to go eight years, there’s no way that would happen. But I think if you put so much pressure on yourself like “I’m never going to watch porn again.” You probably are. But if you say “today I’m going to do my best not to watch it.” Then you tend to make it through the day and then you realize the days are week and weeks are month, and celebrate each day too. Every day that you don’t watch it, it should be a day that you need to be celebrated. That’d be my two cents. Was that good?
Steve: That’s great. Yeah. Thanks for sharing your one/five things.
Shellie: Sorry, Stephen.
Steve: No, it’s perfect. I love it. Shelly, tell people where they can find out more about your ministry.
Shellie: I’m not on social media by design, but I do have a blog for single women who desire to be married, and it’s onfirefastmovement.blogspot.com or you can find me on XXX Church, or you can email me missnosipho@gmail.com. That’s it.
Steve: Okay. Yeah we’ll be sure to put all that in the show notes to make it easy for folks. Shellie, thanks again for your time and I really appreciate it.
Shellie: I appreciate it. Thank you, Stephen.
Steve: Okay, see you later.
Shellie: Bye.
Smart Quote: Dallas Willard
By | Filed Under: Smart Quotes |
Thoughts on this quote? Feel free to discuss them in the comments below.
Weekly Web (W)roundup
By | Filed Under: Weekly Web (W)roundup |
Each week, I round up the best resources, articles, and videos I find that are relevant to finding freedom from porn addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it does not mean I agree with everything in the linked article. It just means I found it interesting enough to share.
Paul Tripp: Fresh Starts
“The message of the gospel is also one of fresh starts, plural. No matter how many times we stumble, no matter how many times we rebel, no matter how many times we make the selfish choice, God’s grace gives us a fresh start. His mercies really are new every morning.”
Heath Lambert: Addressing Parenting In a Hyper-Sexualized Culture
“There are so many forces after our kids and we have no control over most of those forces. As far as ministering to our children is concerned, there are a few things my wife and I do. And I don’t think I have all this figured out, so ask me again in ten to fifteen years and maybe I’ll have something more to say.”
Jay Bauman: The Practice of Sinning
“The challenge for the Christian is that we need to not only confess our sin, but also confess our righteousness before God. This is because so often our sense of righteousness is not rooted in Christ, but in pride.”
J.A. Medders: Does Jesus Really Love Me?
“Christianity is never impersonal. This is a real, vibrant, essential relationship with Jesus himself—he is alive for you. God and Savior. Lord and Friend.”
Sermon Jam: Adopted
My One Thing: Craig Gross
By | Filed Under: One Thing Videos |
“What’s the one piece of advice you would give
to someone struggling with porn addiction?”
Craig Gross is the founder and director of xxxChurch.com, and the author of multiple books including Touchy Subjects, Open, and Go Small.
Connect with Craig:
Blog: www.craiggross.com
Facebook: www.facebook.com/craiggross
Twitter: @craiggross
Check out all the “One Thing” video interviews here.
Transcript:
Steve: Hey guys! Steve here from Belt of Truth Ministries, and I got Craig Gross on the line. He’s the founder of xxxChurch.com. And Craig, thanks for joining us for the One Thing series. So I’m going to ask you the same question I’m asking everybody on this series, and that’s “What’s the one piece of advice that you would give to anybody struggling with pornography or sexual addiction?”
Craig: One thing. It’s probably the most common thing that we come across. Most people have never told anybody that they struggle with this. So we found that lot of people will tell us. They’ll write into us, they’ll post a story on our website, which is all good, but I’m talking about telling somebody close to you; not a stranger, not xxxChurch, not Stephen. The first step is to find somebody close to you – your spouse, your best friend, your pastor – somebody close to you that cares enough about you to keep the conversation going. That’s going to be key, I think. It’s not going to solve all your problems but it’s going to be a great starting point. That’s why we created X3watch, not because we’re software geeks, but could we create something that would enable conversation amongst people. That’s what it’s all about. That’s my one thing.
Steve: Cool, thanks Craig.
Craig: Yeah, thanks man.
