My One Thing: Mary DeMuth

By | Filed Under: One Thing Videos |

“What’s the one piece of advice you would give
to someone struggling with porn addiction?”

Mary DeMuth is an international speaker and author of 30 books, including Not Marked: Finding Hope and Healing after Sexual Abuse.

Mary DemuthConnect with Mary

Website: http://www.marydemuth.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AuthorMaryDeMuth

Twitter: @marydemuth

Books

Not Marked: Finding Hope and Healing after Sexual Abuse

Live Uncaged

The Wall Around Your Heart: How Jesus Heals You When Others Hurt You

Beautiful Battle: A Woman’s Guide to Spiritual Warfare

10 Lies Men Believe about Porn Preview

Check out all the “One Thing” video interviews here.

Transcript

Steve: Hey, guys! Steve here with Belt of Truth. I’m on the line with Mary DeMuth. Mary is an international speaker and author of thirty books including Not Marked: Finding Hope and Healing from Sexual Abuse. Mary, what’s the one piece of advice you’d give to somebody struggling with porn addiction?

Mary: I guess I would say to consider the fact that the person or the people that you’re looking at online or in other venues is a human being and to really think about the fact that they carry the image of Christ, that they have humanity in them because I think what happens is we can objectify people very easily when we think of them as other than ourselves. We think of them as an entity, or a product, or a thing, or something that makes us happy instead of actually a human being. So this sounds pretty harsh but to consider that maybe that girl or that person that you’re looking at is a child of yours or someone related to you. And how would you feel if that very real human being was doing those things and how would you feel as a father or as a mother knowing that your child was being subjected to something like that? And so creating this humanity of we’re all in this together, we’re all human, and we all have this great value. So I guess that goes back to, I think it goes back to heart, just really removing yourself from the non-humanity of it and seeing these people as fellow human beings. I hope that makes sense. Does that make sense?

Steve: Yeah, yeah. That’s awesome. I’m glad that you shared that. I knew that with your background and your ministry that you would probably come with this from a different angle than a lot of the people that I have been interviewing. And I love what you had to share. I think that’s really important and I know that that’s something that in my journey was very helpful as I continue to find more and more healing. One thing I notice was that God was changing the way that I viewed pornography and just women in general. There was a lot of transforming of my mind in that area. And that’s what I encourage a lot of the guys I work with is seek that healing so you reach a point because the reality of this day and age is like even when you’re not looking, there’s a good chance you’re going to stumble across something.

Mary: Right.

Steve: And when you reach that point of healing where when those images come across your monitor, rather than being attracted to them, it’s almost like your heart breaks for them because you realize…

Mary: Right.

Steve: Like this is a child of God that I’m looking at. And a lot of those women are being abused and there’s a lot of pain and hurt in the industry. And when you see it from that lens, it makes it really hard to keep looking for more.

Mary: Well yeah.

Steve: Go ahead.

Mary: Well, I just finished a book. I just released a book called The Day I Met Jesus and it was five diaries of women from the New Testament meeting Jesus for the first time. And a lot of them were marginalized women. One was a prostitute who loved much. And as I stepped around in their shoes for a while, I realized Jesus really like hang out with these folks and He dignified those who were in the margins. And so if He asked that of us, then we also have to look at the prostitutes that are in our lives. And a lot of times, they’re represented on the screen. And so yeah, another way to do it instead of thinking about, “Okay, I’m going to try not to look at that image,” instead look away from the image and say a prayer. Pray for the heart of that person to be set free, pray that there will be rescue, pray that God would intervene in their life in such a way that they don’t have to work that way anymore, or pray for the perpetrators who have enslaved them in that place. Pray for chains to be broken. It’s just a whole different perspective. And as a sexual abuse survivor and someone who’s been objectified, I can wholeheartedly say that I am a human being made in the image of God. And so it helps me to help other people to see that.

Steve: Awesome! Well thanks for sharing that, Mary. Tell people where they can find out more about you and your books and all that.

Mary: Sure. Everything is on Marydemuth.com. I also wrote a book called Not Marked as you mentioned in the beginning. And you can find that at Notmarked.com. It’s for those of you who have encountered sexual abuse and are trying to work through and heal. And so both of those places, you can find me.

Steve: Awesome! And we’ll link to all your social media and all that in the show notes so…

Mary: Awesome!

Steve: Thank you again for your time. I really appreciate what you’re doing.

Mary: No problem! Thank you.

Steve: Yeah. See you later!

Mary: Bye!

My Interview on the Covenant Eyes Podcast

By | Filed Under: Announcements |

covenanteyeslogo

I had the honor of being this week’s guest on the Covenant Eyes Podcast with Luke Gilkerson. We talked about a lot of topics that I think will be helpful and relevant for Belt of Truth readers:

  • Why I felt called to write a book on Porn Addiction
  • How most guys feel like they’re alone in their struggle, which is simply not true.
  • How God loves us even in the midst of our addiction and why believing that is the key to recovery.

Listen to the interview here

I also offer a coupon code (COVEYES) at the end of the interview that will get the first 100 people a free copy of 10 Lies Men Believe about Porn on my bookstore.

If you’ve got any questions or comments related to the show, just hit me up in the comments below.

Smart Quote: Pete Holmes

By | Filed Under: Smart Quotes |

“There is nothing you could do to ever increase or decrease God’s love for you. There are, however, things you can do to increase or decrease your awareness of it.” —Pete Holmes

Thoughts on this quote? Feel free to discuss them in the comments below.

Why Do People Continue to Do What They Know is Wrong When They Know it’s Hurting Them?

By | Filed Under: Faith, Repentance |

Fear

It’s the age-old question and it puzzled me for years: Why do people continue to do what they know is wrong when they know it’s hurting them?

There is a huge class of sin that falls in this category. The obvious one, given this venue, is pornography. But there are many others that fit the description as well:

  • Overeating
  • Failing to exercise
  • Drug and alcohol use
  • Failure to see a dentist

Most of these vices come with an immediate payoff in the form of self-gratification… or at least pain avoidance.

In Romans 6:19-23, the apostle Paul lays out the freedom from sin that is available to us through Jesus. He asks, “What benefit did you reap at that time from the things which you are now ashamed of?” It’s a rhetorical question of course; there was indeed a benefit. It was pleasure—a completely positive experience, but a fleeting commodity.

But we also reaped guilt, shame, and fear… and these things, unlike pleasure, seem to persist.

In my own case, I mainly reaped fear—the bitter aftertaste of sin.

That secret I was hiding… why did I hide it?

Fear is the reason:

  • Fear of being caught
  • Fear of the embarrassment and shame
  • Fear of the consequences of my actions
  • Fear of ruin

We all know in our hearts that sin only leads to bad things, just as we know we rob ourselves of the benefits that accrue from making wise choices.

We also know what we need to do: drop the charade, own up to our failures, expose our sin, ask forgiveness, and repent.

But why don’t we do that?

Once again, it’s often fear that keeps us from experiencing the freedom from our sin that Paul promises us.

The Antidote to Fear

Faith is the first half of the antidote for fear. We must decide that God can be trusted; that he will forgive as fully as he promised.

The hardest part is often believing he loves us unconditionally. That is an amazing statement we hear so often that we don’t always appreciate the significance. But hear this: the God of creation, of galaxies and nebula, of microorganisms and subatomic particles, is head over heels in love with you.

I’m surprised that he even knows my name, yet I’m told he knows everything from the hair on my head to the things I have done. He knows I’ve seen porn and sneak a second serving of ice cream and he continues to love me anyway.

By trusting his love for us, we realize he has our best interests at heart. Fear begins to crumble as we embrace this truth. We start to believe that we can face the consequences of our sin knowing Jesus is with us.

The second half of the antidote is Grace: God’s work through Christ that nullifies our sin. Guilt and shame are easy targets for grace, gone in the blink of an eye. Maybe that’s why grace is so hard for us to accept. In human terms, we don’t merely forget an offense and act like it never happened. If you come to accept God’s grace though, that’s exactly what happens to all your offenses in the eyes of God… instantly.

Sin + Faith + Grace = Life

Sin + Fear + Guilt + Shame = Death

This is how faith and grace work together to simultaneously break the bonds of sin—and both are the free gift of God.

2012-10-18 07.02.05John Allen is a Life Coach and lives in Seattle. He works with entrepreneurs and emergent leaders to help them pursue their visions and live fuller, more meaningful lives. He has a special interest in Christians who struggle to turn over every part of their lives to Jesus, to go “all in.” You can find out more at www.allencouraging.com.

Weekly Web (W)roundup

By | Filed Under: Weekly Web (W)roundup |

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Each week, I round up the best resources, articles, and videos I find that are relevant to finding freedom from porn addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it does not mean I agree with everything in the linked article. It just means I found it interesting enough to share.

Christianity Today: Keys to Preventing Adultery

“The Ashley Madison leak has exposed the private lives of thousands of customers, including some prominent leaders. Sadly, the church is not immune to sexual immorality and has seen, in the past year, some leaders step down due to unfaithfulness.”

Intentional Warriors: Managing Your Porn Habit?

“Back in the prime of my addiction, I used to come up with all sorts of ‘plans’ that I tried to employ in order to break free from pornography, lust, and compulsive masturbation. The result was predictable. The ‘plan’ always failed. Some lasted longer than others, but none of them worked.”

Tim Challies: The Curse of a Godly Wife

“Do you see what he has done? Somewhere along the way he has made his wife’s spiritual maturity a problem. He has entered into a kind of competition with her that has made her love for the Lord a liability. He has come to see her godliness as a curse rather than a blessing, as if he has been cursed with a godly wife.”

The Gospel Coalition: How to Repent

“The importance of repentance is hard to overstate. After all, Jesus’s first public exhortation was ‘Repent!’—and if it was that high on Jesus’s list, we probably should pay attention too. But how do we repent well? Psalm 32 is a wonderful place to explore the nature and process of deep repentance. Here are five vital steps.”

Pete Wilson: You Will Change

My One Thing: Michael Todd Wilson

By | Filed Under: One Thing Videos |

“What’s the one piece of advice you would give
to someone struggling with porn addiction?”

Michael Todd Wilson is a licensed professional counselor, sex therapist, and recovery coach.

Connect with Michael

Website: intentionalhearts.com

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/IntentionalHearts

Twitter: @MT_Wilson

Books

Unburdened: The Christian Leader’s Path to Sexual Integrity

Preventing Ministry Failure: A ShepherdCare Guide for Pastors, Ministers and Other Caregiver

Soul Virgins: Redefining Single Sexuality

 

10 Lies Men Believe about Porn Preview

Check out all the “One Thing” video interviews here.

Transcript

Steve: Hey, guys! I’m here with Michael Todd Wilson. Michael’s a licensed professional counselor, sex therapist, and recovery coach. Michael, thanks for joining us today.

Michael: You got it.

Steve: Yeah, I got a question for you I’ve been asking a bunch of folks and that’s the one piece of advice that you would give to somebody struggling with porn addiction.

Michael: Well there are a lot of things that people can do. I think one of the most important things is to not be alone with it. Don’t be alone with the struggle. All of us need to be in a relationship. God created us to be in relationship. You go all the way back to Genesis when it says it’s not good for man to be alone. Yes, that’s about marriage. But more fundamentally, it’s about not being alone, exactly what it says. And so when we’re dealing with any kind of life dominating issue, including sexual addiction, the important thing is to not be alone. Now, for each person, that can be different okay. Not being alone might be to find a friend that you already have a relationship with but you haven’t really talked to them about this aspect of what you’re dealing with in your life. And it might be just take the risk of sharing with them or it might be to reach out to a counselor or coach, or a pastor that you have a relationship with or that you may want to create relationship with, and tell them because some people don’t have anybody they feel like they’re safe like a friend or someone who they know. But to reach out to somebody who is professional, whether it’s paid or not, to say, “Look I’ve got this problem. I need help.” There are recovery groups everywhere. There are 12-Step based recovery groups, there are Christian recovery groups. The important thing is, and don’t get overwhelmed by the fact that, “Well gosh, who should I tell?” or I have a couple of directions to go. It doesn’t matter. Whatever the path of least resistance is for you, take it. Any step to not be alone with it will help you. And in fact, here’s what I know from all the guys that I’ve worked with. You take a tiny step and you feel encouraged about it, you feel like you’re making some progress. Guess what you’re going to do. You’re going to leverage that to take another step. So don’t worry about the big steps you’re not ready to take yet. Just take the smaller. Any step will get you moving beyond the status quo to being able to take the next step of freedom. So it’s about community, it’s about one step at a time, it’s about being in a relationship, and it’s about being known. That’s probably the most important thing I can say.

Steve: I think that’s excellent advice. Thanks for sharing that.

Michael: Yeah.

Steve: Yeah. And Michael, tell people where they can find out more about you or your ministry online. Yeah, sure. I do recovery coaching. I had a counseling practice for about fifteen years. And about two years ago, I transitioned to everything just being virtual by phone and video conference so Michaeltoddwilson.com, easiest place to find my website. Information about the services that I provide including my coaching that I do. I’ve written two books, and my most recent book #3 will come out for Christian leaders on sexual integrity recovery from [inaudible 3:11] September.

Steve: Great! Well thanks again for your time and good luck in all your ministry endeavors.

Michael: You bet. Hey, thanks for what you did too!

Steve: Yeah, thank you!

Smart Quote: Ray Ortlund

By | Filed Under: Smart Quotes |

“We must stare at the glory of God until we see it.” —Ray Ortlund

Thoughts on this quote? Feel free to discuss them in the comments below.

Are You Viewing Recovery as an All-Star Game, or T-Ball?

By | Filed Under: Law and Grace, Walking in the Light |

I’m excited to announce that another post I wrote for xxxChurch.com went live this morning. If you aren’t familiar with xxxChurch, they’re the #1 site on the internet offering biblical help for those who struggle with porn addiction. I suggest you check out all the great resources they offer to help you on your journey to freedom. And, of course, check out my posts on their site as well.

t-ball-recoveryWhen I showed up to my first recovery group, I expected it to be like the MLB All-Star game. I just knew the other guys there were going to be so far ahead of me on their journey that I wouldn’t even fit in. What I soon discovered, though, was recovery is a lot more like T-ball than the majors.

If you’ve never witnessed a T-Ball game, they’re super-fun. Imagine a bunch of four-year-olds with no idea of what they’re supposed to be doing swinging bats and running around aimlessly. It doesn’t matter whether little Billy ever hits the ball or not—everyone watching the game will still cheer him on as if he hit a grand slam.

Most of the time, half the kids don’t even pay attention to the game—they’re off chasing bugs or picking flowers—but their coach never stops encouraging them from the sidelines. If one of those kids somehow does pick up the ball and toss it back to the right spot, the entire crowd goes wild. “Billy just did something right!” It’s a small victory, but a meaningful one.

What if we shared the same level of enthusiasm for the little victories in our own lives?

Read the rest of this post at xxxChruch.com

Weekly Web (W)roundup

By | Filed Under: Weekly Web (W)roundup |

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Each week, I round up the best resources, articles, and videos I find that are relevant to finding freedom from porn addiction. Please note that by posting a link here it does not mean I agree with everything in the linked article. It just means I found it interesting enough to share.

CovenantEyes: 8 Ways to Rebuild Trust with Your Wife

“When a woman discovers her husband has been watching porn behind her back, it can feel absolutely devastating. It is a traumatic discovery in the truest sense of the word—the wife undergoes terrible trauma. Men, if this describes your wife, what can you do to reassure her of your love and devotion, despite the fact that you haven’t gotten to the bottom of your pornographic obsession yet?”

Tim Chester: Don’t Give Up

“I wonder if there is a sin that you feel powerless to change. Maybe the temptation grows so strong who feel unable to resist. Maybe it creeps up and takes you by surprise so that before you know it you’ve reacted badly. You’ve committed this sin many times. You’ve tried changes many times. But you just feel struck.”

Dave Willis: 7 differences between healthy couples and unhealthy couples

“After observing the behaviors of couples from all over the world, I believe these seven indicators below are some of the clearest ways to measure the current health of your marriage and chart a clearer course towards a healthier and happier relationship.”

GoThereFor: Sexual immorality—My personal insights

“Married life was typical. It was filled with good times and hard times as the challenges of family set in. He was very open about seeking help and exploring new support groups, and so I thought he was progressing. So it came as a complete shock when he said, ‘There’s something I need to talk to you about. Yesterday I did something really bad.’”

Rosaria Butterfield: Sexuality and Identity

My One Thing: Mike Quarles

By | Filed Under: One Thing Videos |

“What’s the one piece of advice you would give
to someone struggling with porn addiction?”

Mike Quarles is the director of Grace Walk Recovery Ministries and author of multiple books on recovery, including Helping Others Overcome Addictions, which he co-authored with Steve McVey.

Connect with Mike

Website: https://freedfrom.wordpress.com

Books

Helping Others Overcome Addictions

Freedom From Addiction

One Day At a Time

10 Lies Men Believe about Porn Preview

Check out all the “One Thing” video interviews here.

Transcript

Steve: Hey, guys! Steve here with Belt of Truth Ministries. I’ve got Mike Quarles on the line today. Mike is the director of Grace Walk Recovery Ministries and author of multiple books on recovery including Helping Others Overcome Addictions which he co-authored with Steve McVey. Mike, thanks for joining us. I’ll ask you what I’ve been asking a bunch of folks and that’s “What is the one piece of advice that you would give to somebody struggling with porn addiction?”

Mike: Well, the one piece of advice I would start with this, stop trying to do anything to overcome your addictions. Stop trying to quit. And the reason I say this is I struggled with alcoholism for eight long miserable nightmarish years and this was after I had graduated from Seminary and served in the Pastorate. And I’ve tried everything in the world. I mean just multitudes of everything’s anybody told me to do or I could find out to do. And then one morning, my wife had kind of kicked me out of the house and I was driving out-of-town to visit some friends, probably the last group of friends that would even have me. And I was listening to some tapes about Bill Gillum on Romans 6. I was driving alone just listening to it, actually with a hangover that day. And Gillum was saying, “Look,” he started off with the first verse of Romans 6, “What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin.” And then Gillum says, “Look you’re dead to sin. I know you don’t feel like it. You don’t look like it. You don’t act like it but that’s the truth of what the fact is.” And actually, he went on to quote Romans 6 “For you have died and you’re freed from sin. And you’re dead too.” And the light came on for me at that time. Then I realized that there was nothing to do that it’d all been done through the finished work of Christ. I’d actually been a Christian for 18 years at that time and realized there was nothing to do but believe the truth. I didn’t have to do anything. For the first time, I really understood and believed Galatians 2:20 that the own self that I was has been crucified with Christ and I no longer live but Christ lived in me. You know there really is a secret and a mystery and a key to living the Christian life free from sin. And that mystery, that key is revealed to us by God. He says in Colossians 1:27 that “Christ in you is the secret mystery. Christ in you is the hope of glory.” You know for 27 years, I’ve been doing this recovery ministry and I’ve co-authored five books of freedom from addiction, and the truth of the matter is that I have never seen anybody find any freedom from any kind of addiction unless they believe Galatians 2:20. I mean it’s really as simple as that. It’s such a simple, basic truth we have. I’ve learned it, quoted it probably a thousand times but when the lights came on that day for me, I actually believed that truth, I was free from addiction, and have been for 27 years this year.

Steve: Yeah. I totally agree with you. It’s interesting you say that believing Galatians 2:20 is the key. And it just reminded me of something that I know. Neil Anderson and Steve McVey, the authors that you’ve co-write with, both of them I’ve heard say in their books, and this may have come from you that a lot of times you go wait until they feel something before they believe it and it doesn’t work that way. Faith is saying “I’m going to choose to believe that. I’m trusting that the feelings will come.” And I know that was my experience, and yeah, you choose to believe the word of God and then you start to experience it.

Mike: Well, you’ve touched on the major problem right there. Everybody is trying to get to the point where they feel like it. I mean I realized that day when I heard the truth that we’ve done the same thing we accused the liberals of doing of trying to abasing our theology on our feelings and our experiences. And of course, our feelings and our experiences tell us that we’re not dead to sin. But the word of God says we are the finished work of Christ and says we are in. The hardest thing in the world to do is really believe that. I mean to this day, I don’t feel like I’m dead to sin but I really know that I am. And it’s proved true in my life for the last 27 years that I’ve been free from addiction and had a relationship with the Lord that I never had before the first 18 years of my Christian life.

Steve: That’s awesome! Thank you so much for sharing that with us. Tell people where they can find out more about you and your ministry and all that online.

Mike: Okay. My website is Freedfrom.wordpress.com. And so they can find out we have many books and resources there that they can go to on the store on the website. And in fact, if anybody wants to call me, my cell phone is 404-2755122. I’m always glad to help anybody who wants to learn a little bit more about the truth that sets you free.

Steve: Okay. Well, I’ll be sure to put all that information, the show notes. You sure you want me to put your cell phone in the show notes as well?

Mike: That’s fine.

Steve: Okay. Well, you may get some calls from all over.

Mike: Alright.

Steve: Thanks again for your time, Mike. I really appreciate it and hopefully, I’ll talk to you soon!

Mike: Thank you, Steve!

Steve: Okay, see you!

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