The following story is the first chapter from my book, 10 Lies Men Believe About Porn, available now wherever books are sold. It is presented here in eight parts and should take you no more than ten minutes to read (You can find Part 1 here). If you would rather read it off-line, you can sign up for our monthly newsletter to receive a free PDF download of the first three chapters of the book as my thank-you gift for signing up.
Handing My Life Over to God
It has now been over three years since I stopped fighting God and finally allowed Him to take control of my life. It hasn’t all been rainbows and kittens—there have definitely been a lot of hard moments—but I wouldn’t trade this new life in Christ for anything. By handing over the reins of my life to God, I began to experience what Jesus meant when He said, “My yoke is easy and my burden is light.” I’ve realized that God has always been in control—I was only wasting energy and exhausting myself whenever I tried to wrestle the control from Him. There’s something about knowing I don’t have the power to actually change anything—and being able to trust that He will take care of things for me—that brings an unbelievable amount of peace and freedom to my life.
I felt Him leading me to start a recovery group in my own church and to come alongside other men in their struggles. I honestly felt like I had no idea how to help other men, but God kept making it clear to me it was what He wanted me to do. Our group has now been meeting for a few years, and I am constantly humbled at how God continues to bring men into my life to walk beside. It’s a frequent reminder of how I am not now, and never was, alone in this struggle. Seeing these men start to experience their own freedom in Christ and allowing God’s light and love to shine on them is one of the greatest blessings in my life.
As I study the Scriptures and seek after God, He continues to give a deeper understanding of what led to my addiction. He also has shown me why He didn’t free me from it when I was in college and first started to see the problems it was causing in my life. If He had rescued me while I was still relying on my own power, I would have attributed my recovery to my own abilities. Being the stubborn man I am, it took me almost 20 years to come face-to-face with my own inability, and God had to let me come to the point of complete brokenness before I would look to Him alone for the answers.
My wife eventually did file for divorce, which was no longer a shock to me at that point. I knew she had no choice. I lost the majority of my savings because of the divorce, as well as through the desire to make amends with people I had stolen from over the years. To top it all off, I also lost my job. I wondered why God was taking everything away from me even though I was following Him fully for the first time in my life. I felt like Job at times, but now I understand what he meant when he said:
“I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes” (Job 42:5).
By taking everything from me, God was helping me recognize that all I ever needed was Him. He was allowing me to experience what He means when He says He will never leave me. I could lose everything in my life, but I would never lose Him. He was stripping my life down to its foundation so He could rebuild me exactly as He wanted. His peace was always with me through all of this, and it was amazing how relaxed I felt knowing He was still in control.